Why does God hate my football team?

Probably the biggest question for most Christians right now is why their football team sucks so bad. Is God mad at you, the fan? Well, possibly, yes. Maybe because of all the horrible things you do, like when you vacuumed up that Lego because you didn’t feel like bending over to pick it up. God saw that. Legos are expensive.

But no, just kidding, it’s not your fault. This is rule number one of being an evangelical influencer: always tell your followers that bad things are because of someone else, like women who are hot, or Republicans, or Ed Stetzer.

It is far more likely that God is upset with your team, because of something they are doing wrong. And here is the part where I put it into a list format, which is another one of the rules of being an influencer, but I forget which one.

Your team nickname is unholy

Probably the holiest football team name is the Alabama Crimson Tide, because “crimson tide” is a phrase that pastors use during altar calls to talk about the blood of Jesus, also it was a movie where Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington used a submarine to shoot torpedoes at racist horses. Other holy team nicknames are the Saints, Lions, Eagles, Angels, and Padres, even though some of those are baseball teams, which doesn’t count as a real sport.

In no particular order, here are some of the most sinful team nicknames:

• Raiders

• Hurricanes

• Sun Devils

• Vikings

• Blue Devils

• Most teams in the Big 10

• Buccaneers

• Demon Deacons (why would you even let a demon be a deacon? Poor theology imo)

Your team is Vanderbilt

Vanderbilt is a school in the SEC for wealthy minorities and white guys in visors named Blake. It is unclear why God does not like Vanderbilt, but their football team usually loses most of their games. Occasionally, they will beat a team like Tennessee or Kentucky, but this is like the Year of Jubilee, which is a thing that is in the Bible in various verses. It’s just kind of a one time thing, and then you go back to being miserable.

Your cheerleaders are too hot

My senior year of high school, I played basketball for Christian High School (the Eagles) in Missouri. I guess our school was sort of liberal, because not only did we have cheerleaders who were allowed to wear regular cheerleader uniforms, but we also had a dance team of girls that would go out during halftime and dance with pom poms to “YMCA” by The Village People. When we played away games at other, stricter Christian schools, the other school’s boys would get very jealous, because the girls at their school looked like frumpy middle aged women from 1979 in wool skirts. I think our dance team eventually got shut down because someone said the song “YMCA” was too sinful. Anyway, all of this is why Jesse Euton broke his wrist playing hockey and our basketball team started 0-8 that year waiting for him to get out of his cast: because our girls were too good looking.

Dance team rehearsing, 1999

We also had a terrifying Eagle mascot that looked like a chicken, but I don’t think that factored into anything.

Sorry Dana

Your coach says bad words

I did not play football, but I can use another basketball example: once, after a hard fought, last-second 40-point loss to Collinsville Christian, my high school coach yelled at us in the locker room and said that if you combined all of our play that night, “it wouldn’t amount to a pimple on a good basketball player’s rear end.”

I doubt that many football coaches would ever use such explicit language, but if your team is losing, think about it! Maybe God is angry because of profanity. After our coach yelled that at us, none of my teammates made it to the NBA, which definitely feels like a judgement of some kind. I could have made it to the NBA regardless, but I chose to become a thought leader instead. This is called reminding your readers of your divine calling, which is another rule of something, but I can’t remember, probably because of Ed Stetzer.

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