Won't Someone Think of the Offenders?

Probably the biggest victims of sex scandals are the perpetrators.

---

Whenever there is a new sex scandal, everyone rushes to talk about the victims: the underage girls, the interns, the vulnerable men and women. But no one talks about the other victims—the powerful people who are doing the bad sexes.

Why is this?

Let’s go to the Greek: back in the kingdom of Israel (“Judah,” in the Hebrew), King Solomon was the horniest person alive. He had hundreds of wives and side chicks, and he also wrote songs about ladies’ bosoms, so he was probably homeschooled, too. Solomon did so many sexes that when some of his wives were like “we should worship this idol,” he was like “ughhhhhhh,” because he was in a sex coma, but it counted as a yes, so he got in trouble. Then two ladies came in to see him because they were arguing about a baby, and Solomon was like “are you here to have sex with me, too?” and then he cut the women in half, and because of this, God cut the Kingdom of Israel in half, and the top half became Samaritans, and the bottom half became Jewish, feel free to use this in your seminary class.

Anyway, the point is that Solomon was the victim. And so are all the other powerful men. Let’s look at the evidence:

Some people enjoy doing bad sexes

One thing I am always telling the restoration committee is “I identify as sex positive, so I don’t even believe that some kinds of sex are wrong.” Can you be prosecuted for a crime if you don’t believe that you broke the law? Checkmate.

Similarly, have we ever considered that some people enjoy doing bad sexes? No one is talking about this.

What if the man has no choice?

Probably the most famous sex offender in recent times is Harvey Epstein. A long time ago, he managed the Beatles. Then he was canceled, due to forcing hundreds of underage girls to have sex with him, but we have to hear both sides, because no one even knows what those girls were wearing, some of them could have been wearing yoga pants. Unfortunately, Epstein refuses to comment, due to various factors, such as his death.

What if their wives weren’t providing enough sex

Another thing I am always telling the restoration committee is “ask her,” and then I point at my wife, and then just to make sure they understand what I mean, I make the hand motion for sex, where one finger is the wiener, like this. The restoration committee is a bunch of old pastors, so they don’t like it when I do that, but the point is this: it is a wife’s job to make sure that her husband is never horny. Some people might call that sexist, but I do not see gender, so I don’t even notice if wives are women, unless they are hot.

It is dangerous to hold them accountable

In this country, when we try to hold powerful men accountable for bad sexes, they shoot missiles at brown people. Usually, the brown people are in Iraq, Somalia, or Iran, so it is okay. But what happens if we run out of foreign brown people, and one of our presidents bombs the brown people in this country? My friends, this is unacceptable! I am more woke than most, so I must insist on protecting our minority brothers and sisters, by letting our presidents do as many bad sexes as they want, which will be the fault of the President’s wife, for not wearing yoga pants, and also I just remembered that when you do the hand motion for sex, the other hand has to be the lady part, like this.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. If you can’t be a paid subscriber, it really helps me when you share the articles. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Iraq.