2022 Holiday gift guide for Christian Husbands

Out of all the holidays where you are expected to buy gifts for your wife, Christmas is probably in the top six or seven. Christian men often struggle with this task; when you spend all day engaging the culture, how can you have time to shop for your partner? This is why we need thought leaders, to once again tell us what to do.

First of all, the presents that women truly treasure are often the handmade, thoughtful gifts that we pour our hearts into, like when you turn Monopoly money into BANG BUCKS. Another thing you can do is make babysitting coupons to let her know that you will babysit your own children for like 30 minutes or whatever.

But such romance is not for everyone. In that case, here is a curated selection of gifts that the Proverbs 31 woman is sure to love:

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A $5,333 vow card to Juanita Bynum’s online store

Unfortunately, Juanita does not offer her $1,500 prayer course anymore, due to haters. But in the event that the prophetess decides to list it again, your wife will be prepared to buy three of them.

A bucket of Jim Bakker’s faith-based milk alternative

Fellas, trust me. Women love two things: Jim Bakker and powdered foods.

Christian Oral Enhancer

I was homeschooled, so I don’t know exactly what this product is, but it seems pretty simple. Oral is something you put in your mouth, like food. And enhance means to make it better. So, I guess this product is something you put on your meat or whatever to make it tastier. ¹

An Osteen Cube

Place your Osteen Cube in a central location in your home so that the words of Osteen can reach each member of your family. Do not let children activate the Cube; its power can only be felt by adults. Bring tributes of fruit and grain and lay them before the Cube every sabbath. Do not speak of the Cube to outsiders; they will try to come between you and the Cube. Do not think ill of the Cube, even in the shadows of your mind. The Cube knows. The Cube sees all.

A Joshua Mills Power Portal Box

When you see the phrase “power portal box,” you are probably thinking isn’t that the title of your faith-based sex ed graphic novel for Baptist teens? And the answer of course is yes. But this is a different box; one that has lip balm and healing socks.

Trust God panties

Why not buy your wife some underwear with an edifying message across the back, so that whenever she forgets to wear pants in public, people will read something positive when they stare at her lady hams?

A Tim Keller tank top

Is that a boob? Nope, that’s Tim Keller’s head. But now that we have your attention, can we talk about the role of apologetics in the emergent church?

Faith-based nipple balm

Probably the most sinful part of a woman are the nipples. There was a whole section in the dress code at Christian college about this. Obviously you cannot rely on secular balms.²

$395 Zoom call with exorcist Bob Larson

Don’t you hate it when you come home from work and you just want to have a plate of nachos and spend time with your family, but alas, your wife is possessed by several dozen demons? This is why I schedule preventative exorcisms for my wife, but only over Zoom, because this way it doesn’t violate the Billy Graham Rule.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)

1. [real voice: I fully support the voices in the Church who are working to help couples find sexual fulfillment]

2. see above