2024 Holiday Gift Guide for the Christian Husband

Probably the most difficult part of being a Godly husband is finding Christmas gifts for your wife. This is because women are complicated: sometimes, they need iced coffee, wine, and a blanket on the couch, but other times they need hot coffee, a blanket on the couch, and then wine. Is there a way to know what your wife wants, outside of asking her? Sadly, there is not.

Do not despair. I have compiled a list of presents that every Christian wife will love.

---

Love Coupons

One thing I always give my wife is coupons for one (1) month of fidelity. Throughout the year, whenever she needs a little love boost, she can cash in a coupon, and I will be faithful, for an entire month. I usually give her six coupons.

Do you have children? Wives love it when you give them babysitting coupons, too. Each coupon guarantees that you will take care of the children for thirty (30) minutes, so that your wife can have some “me” time, such as going to the grocery store.

A Dove Award

Now your wife can feel just like her CCM heroes! Acquiring a Dove Award is not hard: first, you simply get your head of marketing to make reservations at Jeff Ruby’s and invite some of the GMA people. Then, uh… actually, that’s about it. It helps if your wife is 23 and wears a trendy hat, but I don’t think that’s a requirement.

Having a Dove Award also comes in handy for bedroom role plays, like the one where the sleazy music executive takes the young hayseed singer to an office filled with awards, then shuts the door and demands a sultry private dance before offering a recording contract. That is one of my favorites, except my wife will never let me be the executive.

Porcupines

Women love it when you give them small porcupines, which they can keep in their purse and use to attack their enemies. Now, please understand: I am not saying that you should try to stab your girl rivals with a porcupine. That would not be Christlike.

However, most people do not realize that a porcupine, when thrown into another woman’s hair, quickly becomes tangled, and will scratch and claw as it tries to free itself. And while your wife’s lady enemy is distracted with the quilled rodent in her hair, your wife can give her a big ol’ mama bear slap, WAPOW, right in the kisser, or give her a big kick, THUNK, right in the lady nards.

10 Foot Jan Crouch Wall Decals

Trust me on this one. On a related note, my computer has been sent to Boz Tchividjian and Rachael Denhollander for a full investigation into why the AI engines churn out such racy versions of Jan Crouch for me. I look forward to a full exoneration, or blaming Boz and Rachael for being biased. Either one.

Bananas

One thing Christian wives love is symbolism. That is why you should always wrap up a bunch of bananas, and when she opens the present and is like “what?”, then you pick up the biggest banana and you’re like “does this remind you of anything?” and then she’s like “why are you doing this in front of my parents?” and then you just say “a banana is the shape of a CUCUMBER!” and then she’s apologizing to her brothers and sisters, because this is going down in front of the entire extended family, and then you’re like “what do you get if you cook a cucumber? That’s right: a pickle!” and she’s like “that’s not how pickles are made, honey!” but then you say “what do people use pickle relish for? HOT DOGS.” then you take the big banana and hold it out sideways, so it looks like a hot dog.

By this point she’s probably apologizing to her grandmother, who is in a wheelchair, so it’s time for you to land the plane: “and speaking of DOGS…” and then she’s begging you to stop talking, but you’re almost done:

“They say that dogs are man’s best friend. So, every time you put a banana, cucumber, or hot dog in your mouth, I want you to think about me. Because you’re my best friend.”

Most wives will appreciate this, I think. If they seem upset, maybe just try hot coffee instead of iced coffee, I don’t know.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Boz Tchividjian.