2024 Holiday Gift Guide for the Christian Wife

Should you help him dig a hole?

Yes, help your man dig a hole

Boys love to play in the dirt, like moles

Never ask why, or what is the goal

Digging big holes is good for the soul

---

Does he want a laser?

Men will be sad if you buy them razors

Men will be sad if you buy them blazers

Boys love bright lights that go PYEW PYEW PYEW

If you want him to be happy, here’s what you do

Buy him a laser

or get him a phaser

or buy him a supercharged monster-grade taser

He will give you happy boy Christmas bear hugs

and stay up all night shooting his lasers at bugs

---

Should you let him join the Newsboys?

Yes, let your husband join the band

Newsboys are for boys, girls don’t understand

Boys need to jump around on stage and wear black

Boys need to hug Michael Tait and have him hug back

Boys need to sing “Shine”

and pretend it’s 1999

Your husband will come back in a day or three

now he’s best friends with Adam Agee

---

What about bosoms?

Lady parts are the best Christmas gift

They go with everything, they always fit

You can re-gift them again and again

It’s like getting the perfect gift, then getting its twin

They make us forget about bills

and when our team lost

They might cure diseases

all at zero cost

If one bosom is great

Two are 500% better

Three are even…wait

put one back in the sweater

that’s one too many, we all should have knew

a Christian husband is only allowed to have two

---

Should you take him on an adventure into the forbidden jungle and search for the lost treasure in the Cursed Tomb?

Boys love danger and wearing cool hats

And when wives have knives and tight pants

He will protect you from poison darts and booby traps

You can solve the riddle of symbols on the map

He just wants to feel alive

to feel like he’s cool

He wasn’t allowed to play the Tomb Raider games

because he was homeschooled

---

Should you help him build a fort?

Yes, be a good sport

Help your husband build a fort

Boys will need a place to hide

When it feels like no one is on their side

Somewhere safe where they can cry

And let out what they’ve stuffed inside

Forts are for only your bestest best friends

If you help him build it, he’ll let you in

When he invites you in, you should go

Forts get pretty lonely, you know

---

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Adam Agee.