6 Keys to Being a Perfect Christian Husband

Probably the most important part of being a Christian husband is to have a wife who is young and hot at all times. When your wife is hot, it makes people think “that guy must be doing something right,” and then they envy you, which is a sin, and whenever other people sin, it makes you look holier.

Last week, I wrote The 9 Keys to Being a Perfect Christian Wife, and if you are thinking “wait, why are there only 6 keys for men?” I will tell you: it is because men are holier than women, so we need less keys. Also, you can think about those two numbers and how, when the 6 joins the 9, the numbers fit together like puzzle pieces (complementarianism) to make 69, and this is why, whenever I am doing a lecture on gender roles, I tell people they need to believe in the power of 69, which, if you go to the Greek, is called “egalitarianism.”

1) Defeat Your Wife’s Family with Karate

Your wife’s family needs to know that you will protect her from danger, such as leopards and punks. The best way to do this is to challenge her father to a karate fight during family gatherings. Does your wife have brothers? You must also fight them.

But wait, some might say. This is ridiculous. You are only fighting the men? How sexist! Of course not. This is why I always challenge my wife’s grandmother at Christmas. And whenever you are fighting an old person in a wheelchair, you can offer to sit down to make the fight fair, but be careful, because sometimes they have lasers or grappling hooks built into their wheelchair. Trust me.

2) Solve Crimes

One thing that will really turn your wife on is if you solve mysteries. Like, when you come home at 3am and your wife is like “where have you been?” and you’re like “oh, no big deal, just solved the Mystery of the Diamond Brooch,” and your wife is like OMG and you’re like “yep, it was definitely the Ambassador, he did it,” and your wife is like “I am turned on right now, sexually.”

3) Defeat Your Wife’s Friends with Karate

You don’t know karate? It’s simple: just wave your arms like this, then do a cool kick move. Then yell like this: HAH. Also, sometimes you bow. Also there are senseis, but unless you are from whichever country that invented karate, you are not allowed to be a sensei, that would be cultural approximation.

Anyway, always challenge your wife’s friends to fights, because you never know which one of them could be a spy. And her male friends are especially dangerous, because what if Steve and your wife are alone one day and talking and then they accidentally do an intercourse? This is why you should always practice the Franklin Graham Rule: if you ever catch your spouse alone with a person of the opposite gender, attack that person with shoeboxes filled with Christmas trinkets.

4) Empathy

One thing wives love is when you pretend to understand them. This is why I am always saying things to my wife like “I understand why you made a mistake, it’s because Eve sinned first,” and “are you going to be off your period anytime soon?”

5) Communication

Remember: women are not as verbal as men. This is why you should always speak as little as possible to your wife. When you do talk, be direct and to the point:

I am sad because of the crushing weight of my unfulfilled dreams

I am horny because I just thought of a nude scene from a movie I saw in 1997

I am thinking about history

6) Be a Good Father, with Karate

If you have children, it is your duty to train them to protect your wife, in case you are assassinated. This is why I am always taking my 3 daughters out onto the front lawn and teaching them karate kicks. We have matching headbands. Sometimes, we make a lot of noise out there with our hollering, and my wife comes out and complains, so I have to tell her that I am teaching female empowerment, so get back in the house where you belong.

If you do not have children, you can try to teach your pets karate, but I’ve had mixed results with that. A better idea is to walk around the neighborhood and knock on doors, then ask the people if you can teach their kids karate. Then they will think “that’s the guy with the hot wife; he must be doing something right.”

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