9 Keys to Being a Perfect Christian Wife

Probably the most important part of being a Christian wife is to be young and hot at all times. But anyone can be young and hot; the other important thing is to never make mistakes. And this is the one that gets you, the being perfect part. When a Christian woman sins, it makes all of the men around her sin, this is what happened when Priscilla and Aquila made a bunch of money from selling tents but lied to Peter about how much they were tithing, so they were smoten. I forget whether Priscilla or Aquila was the woman, but whichever it was, she was the one at fault. Besides, my youth pastor says if you are pitching that many tents, you aren’t dressing like a Kingdom Daughter anyway.

To help you become a perfect wife, I had my team compile a list of Christian words, and then I made some adjustments and dictated an explanation for each heading while I was being driven to meet a publisher about a book that my team will also prepare. Actually, guys, don’t keep any of that part in the article, take it out and replace it with an anecdote, make something up about how a married woman was flirting with me after a conference and she totally wanted to sex me, but no one had ever told her the 9 keys to being a perfect wife—that was her problem. Also, she tried to give me WinterJam tickets at a stoplight.

1) Healthy Boundaries

Before your husband leaves the house every day, spray your perfume all over his clothes like an animal marking its territory, so the whores at his job don’t get any ideas.

2) Spirituality

Set your alarm to wake up in the middle of the night, then scream Bible verses into the darkness, to ward off demons.

3) Intimacy

Every couple and every relationship is different; it is foolish (and potentially harmful!) to assign an arbitrary number to how many times you and your husband should have sex. That being said, we can cautiously, and with many caveats, posit that it is totally reasonable for a Christ-honoring couple to enjoy respectful, mutually-consented sex, one to two times per day.

4) Modesty

You should always be mindful of your husband’s friends and of other Christian men you are around. Always ask the men at church, “Is my top too tight? Are you thinking about my boobs?” When your husband has friends over, turn around and point to your bottom. Ask the men, “Do these leggings make anyone horny?” You will find that other women get angry at you for doing this, probably because they are sluts who don’t understand that true beauty comes from within.

5) Communication

Remember: men are visual. Whenever possible, tell us information by making large signs that say things like OUR CHECKING ACCOUNT IS OVERDRAWN AGAIN, or THE DISHWASHER IS LEAKING, and leave the signs where we can see them, such as in the driveway or in the lobby of our workplace.

6) Honesty

A perfect wife always tells the truth, such as “I don’t think anyone in my family likes you,” or “you are turning into your father faster than I thought.”

7) Patience

Only a moron takes revenge immediately; you must bide your time and wait until the watchful eye of expectation has shifted elsewhere. Then and only then are you truly free to strike with impunity, to unleash wrath upon your enemies and avenge the wrongs that they put upon you.

8) Humility

Always humiliate your enemies, so that they will be less likely to attack you in the future. It’s like that one story in that one part of the Bible where some people wanted to stone a lady and Jesus said to go ahead, but there weren’t any rocks because Jesus had built churches on top of all of them, so the people went away, embarrassed. And do you know that lady’s name? I don’t either, but it could have been something like Brenda.

9) Dancing

Every Christian wife should know how to dance, because the best biblical role plays involve dancing, such as Moses and Jethro’s daughters, or King David and Michal, or Salome and Herod. Some people say that the story of Salome and Herod is disturbing, but my youth pastor says the theology is clear: if you want someone to give you head, it helps to dance.

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