All of your marriage problems are because of your spouse
When you are an evangelical thought leader, your number one job is to make sure all the common Christians stay married, so that they will continue to buy your books about marriage. Single people aren’t going to buy your books because they don’t have any money, they spent it all on Ubers and shoes, anyway you should always trust my relationship advice because you have only been married once; I have been married five times, which means I am 0.5 times as qualified as you are. That’s called math; look it up in the Greek.
Probably the number one cause of divorce among Christians is bad spouses. What is a bad spouse?
someone who does not agree with you
someone who does not make you happy
someone who is not attractive1
someone who sins
If you are an evangelical thought leader, you are allowed to get divorced, because your marriage should never come between you and your highest calling—your brand. Also, so that you don’t have to feel feelings, you will need to get remarried very quickly, and there is a chance that your new spouse will be younger or better looking, which is a blessing, which means it is God’s will.
However, if you are a regular Christian, you should always fight for your marriage, because this means there will be more marriage conferences that I might get to speak at. Also, never forget that it is your job to fix your spouse! Don’t turn him loose back into the dating stream like a fish with a bad fin, he’ll just swim around in circles like a moron until that codependent nurse in the divorce care group at First Methodist feels sorry for him and decides to try the exact same relationship again and expect a different result.
The problem with having a bad spouse is that they don’t realize that they are at fault. It’s like how my ex wives are always blaming me for having dozens of affairs and losing all that money gambling. How sad! They don’t even realize that they are responsible. It’s like Jesus told the Sanhedrin woman at the well: take the mud out of your own eyes before you give people dirty looks.
This is why it is up to you, the good spouse, to continually remind your partner that they are the problem. This is the first step. Of course they aren’t going to like hearing this, but that’s just the mark of a bad spouse: they don’t take feedback very well.
Next, you have to seek out a thought leader. When Christian couples come to me for marital counseling2, I just sort of space out for the first 30 minutes and then give them some kind of homework, like do a gratitude journal for the next 7 days and then, uh, have sex with the lights on or something. This is because one of them will usually sabotage things and refuse to do the homework, and then they won't come back because they're embarrassed, and later on when the church elders ask me why they got divorced I can shake my head sadly and say they should have read my marriage book.
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)
gross
or, if the restoration committee is giving me a hard time, “life coaching”
The Sanhedrin woman at the well is the high point of this very funny piece. Thank you for making me laugh. Actually I’m crying because I don’t know who to blame anymore.
You missed a key piece of advice. The WIFE is always the problem, mainly because she is probably ugly and doesn't want to have sex and so all the housework. This is the cause of all divorces. I don't see how you can be a thought leader and leave out this important point.