Billy Graham Refuses to Denounce Russell Moore

What are they hiding?

Folks, it looks like Russell Moore is at it again. I’m not exactly sure what he did, but I’m also not entirely sure who he is, and that’s called covering all your basics, which is different than covering all your bases, which is what my youth pastor told all the girls to do, because boys love baseball, and if you leave a base uncovered, they will get a big lead and take off on the pitch and slide in headfirst, trying to get their hands on that base, which is breaking the 8th Commandment: thou shalt not grab bosoms.

Anyway, my team informs me that lots of Christians are arguing about Russell Moore. I guess it is because of Woke, either Russell is too woke or not woke enough, but either way this is a straw man phallus: no one can be the correct amount of Woke, it is impossible. There’s just nothing firm there to work with, which is why the argument is like a scarecrow’s wiener.

Does this mean that Moore is innocent? Of course not. He’s guilty of something, probably. And if he’s not guilty of anything, why hasn’t he denied everything? Very suspicious. Anyway, here’s the real issue: I need to get Christians to pay attention to my brand, which is not easy to do, when all the evangelical influencers are talking about the same thing.

This is why, as a thought leader, you have to loop in an additional Christian figure into your think piece. This doubles the SEO of your content, which, if you go to the Greek, is like the parable of the five loans and two fish: a man gave all of his servants a loan, and some of them invested and doubled the money, but a little boy used his loan to buy two small fish, and then he buried the fish in a hole, which was dumb, because you can’t grow a fish tree, an adult would know this. This is why you never give a loan to a child.

With that in mind, let’s double our SEO: why hasn’t Billy Graham condemned Russell Moore for whatever he has or has not been doing?

Now, I know that there is one very obvious response to this. Let’s not shy away from it, but meet it head on, like a homeschooler on the wedding night. I can hear the replies already: but Matthew, Billy Graham is busy watching the Olympics!

Perhaps, but here’s another lesson in being a thought leader: the simplest explanation is never good for your brand. Consider Occam’s Razor: no one cares about Occam or why he had a razor, because he was always giving rational explanations to things, and that’s boring. If you want to be remembered, your takes must be hot.

Like this: did you know that Billy Graham used to be in charge of Christianity Today? And now, with Russell Moore in charge of CT, Billy Graham is nowhere to be found. Did Moore fire Graham? It sure looks that way. And now, with everyone criticizing Moore, which famous Christian is saying nothing?

Billy Graham. How convenient.

Let’s say, theoretically, and I use the word theoretically for legal reasons, that Russell Moore discovered Billy Graham was an international jewel thief and kung-fu assassin. This would explain why Moore pushed Graham out of CT. It is also why Graham refuses to denounce Moore, because he doesn’t want his secret told. It is also why Moore can’t tell anyone about the missing jewels, because he’s afraid of Graham attacking him with a roundhouse kick.

You see? That’s how you bring attention to your evangelical brand: proposing a scenario of blackmail, violence, and international crime. In the industry, that’s what we call covering all of your basics, and also your bases, because my youth pastor also said that sometimes girls will be tempted to grab your jewels, too.

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