Choose Your Modesty Adventure
Folks, Christians are talking about modesty again. Let’s engage the culture with an interactive think piece:
(Endings are color coded, so you can mention them in the comments without spoiling anything for people who didn’t take your path)
You are a ruggedly handsome 44 year old pastor named Jericho Finn, husband to Lainey McKenna Finn and father to three young children: Skylar, Paisley, and McLondon. You are the lead pastor of Bridge Life City River Hope House, a large church full of white people that isn’t in a city or near a river or bridge. You are faithful to your wife, who is smoking hot, but you are also smoking hot, and there are probably lots of ladies who would like to do a scandal with you, not that you would, but we’re just saying.
One Sunday, as you are standing in the front row during praise and worship, you notice that one of the new worship leaders, a young woman named Kinsley Bella Madison, is wearing a low cut top! You can see a tiny smidgen of cleavage, like this much, and it is making you feel feelings!
What do you do?
Lean over and whisper this to Lainey McKenna: “Someone is raising my Ebenezer, I need you to unbutton your top so I can stare at your cleavage while I preach the sermon, this way I won’t be tempted.” SCROLL DOWN TO #7
Quickly summon the Newsboys? SCROLL DOWN TO #11
#1
You take out your church-issued nunchuks from their sheath in your belt.
“Sorry, Clone Hugh Hefner, looks like your plan to end modesty is over.”
“His plan?” your wife says, putting her arm around Hefner. “It was MY plan all along.”
She looks back at you and smiles.
“Of course, I needed patsies. That’s where Hugh came in. And Chase.”
You turn back to your student minister, who is holding throwing stars in his hands, with one cocked back and ready to be launched in your direction.
“We’re going to free the midriffs, Jericho.” Chase says solemnly.
The treachery is complete; you are outnumbered and surrounded.
“And then what?” you ask them. “What’s your endgame?”
Clone Hugh Hefner laughs hoarsely. “Simple, Kemosabe: we get everyone horny, and then we bring purity culture back.”
Your wife puts her thumbs inside her spaghetti straps and snaps them like suspenders. “In 18 months, the Church will be ready to be repressed again. I’m going to be the new Josh Harris, Jericho.”
“No…no, Lainey, I can’t let you do that,” you say with resolve.
Lainey smirks at you, and confusion on her face gives way to pity.
“Do that, Jericho?” she whispers. “I’m not a PureFlix movie villain. Do you seriously think I’d explain my masterstroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? We went IG live 35 minutes ago.”
The next moment happens in a blur: you swing your nunchucks at Clone Hugh Hefner, knocking him backwards, as Chase throws a ninja star at you, and your wife screams and shoves you.
And then all is black.
Awake.
In your bed. Lainey sleeping soundly beside you.
What happened? Was that real? Was she trying to save you, there at the end? Or attack you?
You sit in silence for a long while. No sound, except for your wife’s soft breaths, and that faraway hum that the refrigerator makes at night.
Presently you realize that you are holding something. You hold your hand up to the window and uncurl your fingers in the faint moonlight. It is a throwing star.
You have reached the orange ending.
#2
You come to, snapped out of a daydream. Or were you asleep? You don’t have time to figure it all out; Pastor Jericho is stepping toward you with his arms out, as Mike Cosper mumbles in the background.
You are NOT Jericho Finn; were you dreaming that you were him? You are Chase Asher, 23 year old student minister of Bridge Life City River Hope House. Why is Pastor Jericho about to push you into the path of Kinsley Bella Madison, who has a lightsaber? Why is Mike Cosper suddenly there?
There is no time to think. You step backwards, but your heels find the edge of something. A cliff? A balcony? Everything is happening so fast!
Do you:
Fall backwards and take your chances? SCROLL DOWN TO #5
Square up and throw a desperate punch at Pastor Jericho? SCROLL DOWN TO #9
#3
#4
You grab Chase Asher, your student minister, and race out to the parking lot to search for your wife Lainey. Chase is 23 and single, and starting seminary this fall. You had to cancel the missions fundraiser where the pastors don’t shave for a month, because he can’t grow a beard.
You and Chase reach the parking lot and find your wife standing next to an old man, and yep, it is definitely Hugh Hefner. Because somehow Hefner survived.
Your wife is wearing spaghetti straps and yoga pants, so you quickly cover Chase’s eyes with your hands. However, it doesn’t seem like she is his prisoner; is Lainey working with Hefner?
“That new worship leader is just the beginning, Jericho.” Hugh Hefner says. Also, he is a clone. Clone Hefner.
"We’re going to destroy modesty in the church, Kemosabe.”
Do you:
attack Clone Hefner with nunchucks? SCROLL UP TO #1
try to reason with your wife? SCROLL DOWN TO #8
#5
You raise your arms into a Christlike pose and fall backwards. All fear, all feeling leave you as your vision blurs and fades to black. You are weightless, falling through space and time to meet your destiny. Scenes from your life flash into your mind: youth group, Christian college…and, uh, yeah…that’s about it. Dang. Turns out you were still pretty young.
A peace floods over you as you feel the hands of Grace break your fall. Also, some other hands. Actually, a lot of different hands. And people are laughing at you now.
You open your eyes.
A dozen faces peering down at you, smiling. Some you recognize: Karen Swallow Prior is there, and so is Russell Moore, and also the bassist from MercyMe. They are all holding you up; they caught you.
“Kid, you were supposed to wait for us to give you the signal,” Phil Vischer says with a laugh.
They set you down. You look around in bewilderment: you are in an auditorium full of people. Various Christian culture luminaries dot the sea of faces. Tauren Wells is waiting just offstage with an acoustic guitar, ready to lead worship.
Mike Cosper, wearing a headset mic, walks over to the edge of the stage and points at you.
“In the classic trustfall exercise, most people wait to get pushed,” he tells the crowd. “Our new podcast series, 21 Leadership Exercises the Church Got Wrong, will address the history behind these practices.”
Now Pastor Jericho throws his arm around you.
“That was great, brother!”
He leans in.
“Good to know I can throw you in harm’s way.”
And then he winks. A quick wink, that only you saw. He locks eyes with you and slips into the crowd of people. All of the sounds in the auditorium blend together into a numbing hum. Just when you were starting to figure things out, you aren’t.
You have reached the yellow ending.
#6
Your smoking hot wife pulls the family lightsaber out of her Church Purse and activates the purple beam. Not like Mace Windu purple, but more of a light lavender; she picked out the color, it was a whole thing, it’s fine. Anyway, she parries Kinsley Bella Madison’s strike and then punches her in the face. The stunned members of the congregation gasp. As Kinsley staggers backwards, your wife lunges in and tackles her to the floor. The lightsabers fall to the ground as the women grapple. The youth group boys in the front stand up to get a better view.
After a moment of frantic fighting, your wife gains the advantage. She grabs Kinsley’s shirt with both hands and the sound of ripping fabric fills the sanctuary. The youth group boys stumble.
“Exactly as I thought,” your wife yells, panting. “They’re not even real.”
Your wife releases Kinsley so everyone can see and yep, turns out she’s definitely a robot assassin. Except for the little bit of fake cleavage, her whole torso is wires and circuits and metal.
Michael Tait picks up one of the still glowing lightsabers and holds the beam against the robot assassin’s neck.
“TELL MICHAEL TAIT WHO SENT YOU…GLORY YEAHHHH GLORY” he sings into his microphone, which he is still holding in his other hand.
The Kinsley Robot lifts a finger and points across the sanctuary.
“I WAS PROGRAMMED BY CHASE, YOUR STUDENT MINISTER. I AM A SCANDAL BOT SENT TO DESTROY YOU SO HE COULD TAKE OVER THE CHURCH. BE MERCIFUL; I AM A CALVINIST ROBOT, I DO NOT HAVE FREE WILL.”
Of course. A tale as old as time itself. You motion for the deacons and they lead your student minister out of the sanctuary.
Undeterred, Michael Tait points to the sound guys and spotlights immediately hit the side doors. The other members of the Newsboys enter the sanctuary and make their way to the stage. Tait turns and works the crowd:
“Glory, glory. Church, I’ve been hearing some people out there saying that GOD IS DEAD.”
The congregation lustily boos.
“Well, me and my boys are here to say NO WAY, can I get an amen? Hallelujah.”
As Jody Davis strums the intro to “God’s Not Dead,” you turn to your wife, who is gently putting a white cami on the scandal bot. She touches the robot’s cheek and stands to face you. Her hair is all messed up from the fight, but she looks good. Real good, like a Baptist Sydney Sweeney.
“I think she’s going to be okay,” your wife says softly.
The sound guys kill the main lights and you and your wife are silhouetted against the stage. You share a loving embrace right as the chorus hits. God is alive, your smoking hot wife loves you, and the Newsboys will always have your back.
You have reached the blue ending.
#7
You turn to your wife, but she is no longer beside you. In her empty chair is a note card, which reads:
IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR WIFE AGAIN, COME TO THE PARKING LOT. NOW.
Do you:
Leave the sanctuary and go to the parking lot? SCROLL UP TO #4
Look for a new wife? SCROLL DOWN TO #10
#8
You take a step toward Lainey McKenna, hoping to reach her with a carefully crafted entreaty.
“Honey, is this an elaborate role play?” you ask, while making the hand motions for sex, where one finger is the wiener and the other hand is the lady private. But this also makes Chase horny, so you have to cover his eyes again.
Speaking of eyes, your wife looks at you with CRAZY eyes, like they’re spinning round and round like this. Yep, just like you suspected: MIND CONTROL. Clone Hefner is controlling her mind and making her immodest. But how is he doing it?
“He’s controlling her with the big remote control in his hand.”
But wait. That was a LADY voice.
You turn around and it’s the new worship leader, Kinsley Bella Madison, cleavage and all. BUT WAIT. Where have you seen that cleavage before?
“Kinsley, kill these pastors,” Clone Hefner commands.
Kinsley reaches up and pulls off a mask, because, PLOT TWIST, she was wearing a disguise this whole time!
“Oh, I think you mean…LAINEY!” she says, because it turns out that she’s actually your wife, UNDERCOVER, because TIME TRAVEL.
TWO WIVES? You look at the camera and make a face where your eyes bug out like this.
Meanwhile, your time-travelling wife does a cool spin kick and knocks the mind control remote out of Clone Hefner’s hands. It totally breaks when it hits the ground, sparks and everything. Then your regular wife snaps out of it, and hits Clone Hefner, just a big ol’ Mama Bear slap, right in the kisser. Hefner runs off, crying.
Then, your time-travelling wife gives you a quick kiss on the cheek, which doesn’t count as cheating, I don’t think, anyway her time portal is closing, so she jumps in it and disappears. Then your regular wife puts on a denim romper over her yoga pants, so she doesn’t make Chase stumble, because this whole time you’ve had your hands over his eyes.
So then you finally uncover Chase’s eyes and he’s all like, “what did I miss?”
And then everyone laughs, because life sure is funny sometimes.
You have reached the purple ending.
#9
You throw a desperate punch at Pastor Jericho. He catches your hand and holds it tightly with both of his.
“I’ve got you, Chase, I’ve got you.”
Feet slipping now. Your legs give way and you fall, scraping your shins and knees against the rocks and knotted roots. Your feet are working on their own, digging for traction, creating little landslides of dirt crumbles that roll down the ledge and tumble off into nothingness.
It dawns on you that you have been falling for several seconds, sliding down the side of the wooded cliff. At some point you hit your head, dislodging the AirPod in one ear that was playing a Mike Cosper podcast. Stupid. Should have been talking to the girl. But you couldn’t think of anything to say, so you withdrew. Just like in Christian college.
She is here now. Out of everyone in the hiking group, Kinsley Bella Madison was the one who followed Pastor Jericho down the cliff when they saw you fall. She hooks her foot around a tree trunk and leans forward, frantically grabbing for your other hand.
There is no more room to slide; your feet are over the edge now. Your bloody knees hold you to the cliff, for now. You have no idea how far down the fall would be, but judging by the fear in Jericho’s eyes, it’s too far.
Kinsley is on her stomach now, with both feet locked around the tree trunk.
“Give me your hand, Chase,” she says softly.
You choose to turn loose of the rocks and extend your hand, which she locks between hers.
Now that they both have you, you aren’t sliding anymore. A deep exhale escapes your mouth. You lay your head down on the mountainside for a moment. The combination of adrenaline and the blow to your head has left you aware, but strangely detached. You aren’t afraid at all.
Instead of thinking about falling, you are fixated on Kinsley. She lying at an angle, the contents of her trail pack spilling out and rolling down the ledge. Because she is on her stomach, you have a line of sight to her cleavage, and why does that feel familiar?
Something shiny rolls by your head. It is a tube of lipstick, or lip gloss, or something—you don’t know the difference. It fell out of Kinsley’s pack. Who would bring that on a hike? The cap of the tube is missing, and the pink stick has been rolled up, and all you can think of is how it reminds you of a lightsaber.
You have reached the green ending.
#10
Oh well. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, however that goes. You pull out your phone and quickly create a Christian Mingle profile. Widower, you type in. Wife kidnapped and murdered by…
Oh wait, did the card actually say that? You look again. No, it just implies that she’s been kidnapped. So, maybe she could still be alive? Tricky.
You open up Facebook and do a long post:
So, I think my wife may have been killed by my theological rivals. Or maybe just kidnapped. Anyway, just mentioning this in case any hot babes (slightly younger than me or way younger, either way) want to marry me next. Except if Lainey McKenna is still alive, then I can’t do it. I just want to throw this out there so I never have to be single and deal with any of my issues
Right after you post this, your phone goes off. It is your wife. Because you are the pastor, you are allowed to answer it in the sanctuary.
“Hey babe, are you dead?” you ask.
Actually, it turns out that she left the notecard as a joke. You were supposed to go out to the parking lot because the deacons wanted to talk to the congregation about doing something nice for your family for Pastor Appreciation Day. But GET THIS, someone showed her your Facebook post and now all of a sudden you are the bad guy!
To fix things, you calmly explain that, ok, I’ll meet you in the parking lot, but only if you agree to show a little skin, because the new worship leader is wearing a low cut top, and Lainey, have you seen this woman, she’s super hot, she looks like your sister.
But then you realize that you were saying all of this in the sanctuary, and everyone was listening, and now they’re mad at you, too, which doesn’t seem very fair, with Pastor Appreciation Day right around the corner.
You have reached the red ending.
#11
Michael Tait bursts through the sanctuary side doors carrying a microphone in one hand and a stack of hoodies in the other. The spotlight is on him, also he has his own entrance music, the sound guys are playing the hook from “God’s Not Dead” on loop, not quite sure how that happened, no one else knew he was coming, you only texted him like 30 seconds ago, but whatever.
“GLORY GLORY YEAH ALL RIGHT!” he sing-speaks into the mic. “We’ve got some anointed worship leaders in this place, and I just dropped by to present them each with an officially licensed Baggy Newsboys Hoodie, yep, let’s all put on one of these oversized sweatshirts that totally cover up everyone’s torsos, GLORY GLORY YEAH YEAHHH!”
Tait hands out the hoodies and the entire worship team eagerly puts them on, except for—yep, that’s right—Kinsley Bella Madison. She throws the hoodie on the floor and pulls out a lightsaber. She activates the glowing pink beam and walks downs the stage steps towards you.
“I was supposed to distract you with cleavage, but you chose to involve the Newsboys,” she says coldly. “Now you die.”
Do you:
Act like an absolute coward and sacrifice your student minister by pushing him into her path. SCROLL UP TO #2
Ask your wife to protect you, because you know she has the family lightsaber in her Church Purse. SCROLL UP TO #6
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Is it wrong if I want all endings? Feels like something my youth pastor warned me about.
Blue ending. I laughed my butt off at the Calvinist robot line too!