Christian Dads Have Become Too Sexy

My friends, the Church is yet again at a crossroads. And this isn’t one of those student ministry things, where the cross comes down over the crevasse and all the Christians walk across to get to heaven, which is dangerous, because you still have to climb over the top part of the cross:

A better way would be to lay the cross down flat over the crevasse, length-wise, and walk across that way. But then someone standing at a distance wouldn’t be able to see that it was a cross, and they would be like “oh, that’s just an old plank,” and then they would deconstruct. In Christian ethics, this is called a categorical imprecatory, which is what David wrote after Bathsheba forced him to kill Uriah.

But back to the crossroads. The Church is facing a new threat, one that is different from the other threats:

Christian dads have become too sexy.

Don’t believe me? Step inside any pseudo-Hillsong, vaguely seeker-sensitive church on a Sunday evening: Generation X fathers parade around in cargo shorts and pristine white sneakers. Millennial dads post up in the hallways, graying beards and horn-rimmed glasses on full display. These men wear tight t-shirts that do little to hide their dadbod curves. They have sandals, both with and without white socks.

How did this happen?

I think I speak for everyone when I blame Christian women. In prior years, we would be focused on our sisters in Christ: are they wearing tight pants? What about bikinis at the beach? They must be more modest! But wait—don’t get too plain. Fix your hair. You have to look nice; just not that nice.

Where are the Christian women? Who is testing the Discourse with a modesty debate right now? Do you know how long it has been since we argued about breastfeeding in the sanctuary? Does no one want to rebel against purity culture anymore?

In this vacuum, the dads have turned into baddies.

What are the effects?

Probably the worst part of having sexy dads in the church is that it drives all the young women wild. Whenever a 51-year old father of three walks into the fellowship hall with a belt clasp for a phone that he does not fully know how to use, all of the college girls are like “mmmm” and they do the thing where they look him up, and then down, and then they lick their lips, because of the emotion of horny.

Of course, this has a devastating effect on the college-aged boys. When there are no available babes, this is called being an incel, also it is called “youth group.” This is why our young men are being driven to listen to podcasts of influencers like Andrew and Sharon Tate, and Scott Peterson. This is also a crossroads, or an epidemic, but that will be for a separate article.

What can be done?

Do we dare try to make Christian fathers less sexy? Impossible.

Can we reasonably expect young women to control themselves? Not likely. When a Christian lady sees a middle aged man with a receding hairline, she is going to do a mind sex, and it is not her fault. Christian women are visual, which means that they like to look at things. Christian men are physical, which means that we like to move heavy furniture and also have our privates grabbed.

My friends, we have but one solution: we must get Christian mothers to once again become slutty. We need the 49-year old worship leader who has two sons in college to get onstage in leggings, but her Oversized Butt Cover Sweater only comes halfway down the cheeks in the back. We need one of the mothers in the nursery to wear a top that seems modest, but opens up when she bends down to pick up the toddlers and hand them back to their parents. To save the Church, we need a moderately hot mother to post bikini vacation photos on Facebook.

Only then, when we have slutty mothers to obsess over, will the Church be able to recover from sexy dads.

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