Christian Women Need to Stop Seducing Famous Pastors

Probably the biggest problem in the Church right now is that ladies won’t stop trying to sex famous pastors. This is why I am always saying that more women should be pastors, so that more of them get caught up in sex scandals, too, but people get angry when I say this, because it is Progressive.

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How do these scandals happen? Let’s start with gender differential.

Men are visual. This means that whenever we are watching pornography, women make us sin, because we see their bodies.

Women are not visual (invisible). This is because they do not see as well, because their eyes are smaller.

The reason that this distinction is important is because of who men and women pursue. For many Christian men, the ideal female form is youthful, with soft features, and healthy, all of which activate biological responses that our Creator designed to make sure we procreate. She probably looks something like this:

However, for Christian women of all ages, their ideal man looks like this:

Whenever a Christian woman sees a famous Christian man, she is like MMM, MAMA WANTS SOME OF THAT REPRESSED OLD MAN DONG, and then she starts doing animal noises, like a horse: NEIGH, NEIGH, SNORT, and then her family and friends try to pull her away, but she has Power of Horny, so she tries to grab the famous pastor, but he runs off like Joseph from Potiphar’s apartment, and then she’s standing there with the church elders and her girlfriends holding onto her ankles, and she grabs her lady parts and is like Y’ALL NEVER SHOULDA LET ME PUT THIS IN YOGA PANTS.

Don’t believe me? Here are some examples that I did not know about until my team briefed me, just now:

• There was that one time when a lady at Mark Driscoll’s church tried to sex him in the communion line, which was a real thing that totally happened.

• There was also the time that a lady smiled at James Dobson at a stoplight because she wanted to take him to Odyssey. Also, she was super hot. And naked, too, she was naked in the car. And her twin sister was there, both of them were naked and wanting to do sexes. Yes, that is how that happened.

• Just this week, two more famous Christian men got in trouble because of women seducing them. One of them tried to find a loophole by saying that polygamy is biblical, therefore it’s okay to have two wives. This is when your Jacob and Rachel/Leah role play goes too far, but anyway if you go to the Greek, it says that Leah had weak eyes, and I told you that girl eyes were smaller.

The key is self-control

My friends, there is no magic solution here. The path out of these sex scandals is through prayer, Scriptural accountability, and a renewed focus on self-control, for women.

Whenever I speak at a women’s conference, I give the ladies a purity checklist (unless they are very attractive), in case they try to sex me, an evangelical thought leader:

• Bounce your eyes. Whenever you see a famous pastor or theologian, don’t give Satan a chance! Immediately look up at the ceiling, or at the floor, or even close your eyes. This is what I do whenever I am driving and I see a Taco Bell.

• Try friendships, instead! If you would simply befriend every famous Christian man, eventually you will learn to see them as your brothers in Christ. Then, in 10-15 years, you will stop wanting to have affairs with most of them.

• Think about baseball. If all else fails, think about America’s pastime! If you are being tempted to do a mind sex with a middle-aged megachurch pastor, push your thoughts to the diamond: instead, think about pitching and catching, long wood bats, and dusty balls. I know this may sound boring! I am always telling people that baseball is not exciting, and then they get mad at me, because of Progressive.

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