Church Music Should Be Exactly How I Like it

Probably the biggest issue in the Church is that the music sucks so bad.

When did it get like this? Back in the old days that I no longer remember, music in church was good. They played the songs that I like, in styles that I approve of, and I know this because I was young and good-looking then.

My friends, I don’t want to beat off a dead horse, but things have changed. Today’s churches sing songs that I do not recognize! Ask yourself: if these new songs are so good, then why do I not know the words?

And the music. Waves of acoustic guitar chords played by heavily accessorized 27-year olds, layered over a backdrop of stiff piano and the occasional misplaced horn or violin. Has the precious bride of Christ become an Arcade Fire concert?

Who should we blame? I have a few ideas.

Chris Tomlin

Chris Tomlin is a famous Christian singer who writes worship music. Many of the songs that churches sing, probably like 90% or so, were written by Tomlin. I do not know which ones, exactly, but that makes you wonder: why all the secrecy? What is he hiding?

I remember when “Chris Tomlin” was called “Martin Smith,” and he did all those songs about mountains and shouting, and we liked it, because we were young and none of us had cell phones, and that was good old fashioned repression.

Women

Probably the most dangerous part of worship music is when they let women on stage to do it. What a distraction!

Is anyone making these women feel bad about themselves anymore? It doesn’t seem like it! I have been in churches where women are allowed on the worship team in pants. Or worse yet, in sleek dresses. I have also seen short-sleeved shirts allowed, and also sweaters that accentuate the feminine form, leaving nothing to the imagination. Some women think nothing of walking across the holy altar in high heels, as if the stage were some sort of cocktail bar. Or sneakers! This isn’t gym class, my sisters. And this is to say nothing of sandals.

Folks, let’s take the frying pan out of the fire: seeing women on stage in questionable clothing is a temptation for me to imagine them naked. I prefer quiet, modestly clothed women, to imagine naked.

The Drummer

He’s just not doing it right. He’s playing too loud, but no, not like that, either. Put a little feeling behind it, man. Come on, why are we married to 4/4 in this church? Can we get out of the box? Here comes a fill…nothing. Someone tell him he’s allowed to use his cymbals. Ok, now we’re kicking it up a little bit…wait, why is he doing that with the toms? Does he think he’s playing “My Hero?” Knock it off. I hate this. Okay, we’re winding down, is he going to hit the chimes for effect? He hit the chimes for effect.

We haven’t had a good drummer in this church since the guy who had an affair. That guy knew how to shout to the mountains.

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