CRT

Probably the most dangerous thing in Christianity is CRT, which is short for CR Theory. The C and the R also stand for various things, but no one knows what, if they did it would be called a FACT and not a THEORY, like how my youth pastor said evolution was a theory because none of the monkeys that crawled out of the slime took pictures of what was happening or whatever but we know Creation happened because of God-shaped holes or something, I don’t really remember, that was the week I was doing the 30 hour famine to impress all the babes, anyway the point is that CRT is very complicated, and maybe that’s what the C stands for, but you don’t know for sure because you are not a thought leader and that is a FACT.

But let’s not get off on a tenet here: the point is, Christianity is under attack. We’ve always been under attack. I’m reminded of one of the earliest Christians, Jesus, and his words, which are in the Bible: “I come to bring swords.” And then Peter took one of the swords and cut off the guy’s ear in the Garden of Eden but Jesus made him put it back on because in Eden everyone was naked, and you can’t attack someone who is naked unless you are doing an Old Testament role play with your spouse. But I divest: Peter was not very smart, and this is why they called him Cephas, which means “rock” in the King James Version, which is the version they translated into the Greek.

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Some Christians say that we should ban CRT. My friends, how quickly we forget! Am I the only one who remembers that the church once banned murder, and yet Kay Arthur is allowed to send teams of assassins to terrorize her theological rivals. I guess there was never a precept against murder. The point is this: whenever the church tries to ban something, it never works. You can’t tell Christians what to do. Remember when we tried to tell Franklin Graham to stop sending shoeboxes full of trinkets to poor countries? He carefully and prayerfully considered it, then he said “what if we sent one trillion shoeboxes?” and that is what he did. Remember when we told all the progressive Christians to stop letting babies be pastors or to stop using carrots for communion or whatever it is they do? They just went right on being weird.

Folks, the only way to get rid of CRT is to tell our churches to preach it from the pulpits every Sunday. Here, like this:

• If you call yourself a believer, you will obey your God-given mandate to embrace CRT

• The Bible clearly says that CRT is good

• See you in church this Sunday, where we will get some of that sweet, sweet CRT

• A Biblical Defense of CRT: an 87-Week Sermon Series

Be honest: even if you had no opinion on CRT, reading those last few sentences made you kind of hate it, huh? That’s called reverse geometry, guys. This is how we can get CRT out of the church once and for all. Unless CRT is actually good. At that point we will need to do something else. But don’t worry, I will write another think piece, I just can’t do it right now, because me and my wife are about to start our Moses and Zipporah role play.