Did We Forget to Baptize Trump?

Folks, it’s time a Christian wrote about Donald Trump.

This week, Trump got into trouble because he paid his lawyer Roy Cohn to make a problem go away, and the problem was that Trump did a sex with Stormie Omartian, which is not illegal, except on the form it said IS THIS A HUSH MONEY PAYMENT, CHECK YES OR NO and Trump checked no, and turns out, that’s the illegal part.

But wait—isn’t Trump a believer?

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Back in 2016, when Trump was wandering around holding a Bible and talking about Two Corinthians, James Dobson assured us all that it was okay, because Trump was a Baby Christian, and this was almost the same thing Dobson said to that lady at the stoplight, except he told her “I’m a Christian, baby,” and then the woman licked her lips, sexy style, like this, so he drove off super fast just like Joseph did when Pontius Pilate’s wife ripped off his coat of many colors and tried to sex him in the privates.

But that whole Baby Christian thing was eight years ago. Why is Trump still not acting like a mature believer? What happened?

My friends, I think I have the answer: we never baptized him.

[To be fair, Trump may have been baptized as a boy, but that was a Presbyterian baptism, and that’s where they make you read a stack of Bible commentaries while a pastor leans in and shouts the word WATER in your ear. Sometimes, those don’t take.]

Trump was never baptized in 2016, so he was never able to grow as a believer. This is why, whenever there are grown up Christian issues like the Methodist split or the SBC debating NDAs, Trump doesn’t weigh in, because he is still a Baby Christian. And what do Baby Christians eat? If we go to the Greek, we find that the answer is milk. This is probably why Trump is always getting in trouble with porn stars and Playboy models, because he sees their bosoms and it makes him spiritually hungry, because milk comes from the bosom part of the lady.

So, we just baptize Trump, and this fixes everything, right?

Well, yes. But it may not be that easy! Trump’s favorite pastor is Paula White-Hinn-Cain, who looks like this:

As you can see, Trump is a big healthy boy who is a member of the Clean Plate Club, and Paula looks like if she got into the baptistry, she might dissolve like that video of the raccoon trying to wash cotton candy in a puddle.

I do not believe that Paula is strong enough. So, we will need a new plan. Probably a bunch of famous Christians will want to be the one who baptizes Trump, such as:

• David French

• Sarah Bessey

• Russell Moore

• Shane Claiborne

• Mike Pence

But I don’t think we need to take chances. In the words of that lady at the stoplight, get big or go home! For the job of baptizing Trump, I think we need the one Christian who brings maximum holiness and maximum muscle:

I can hear it now—the voice I imagine when I need to create a point— a big beefy Christian man with a dynamic brand? Isn’t that you, Matthew? Yes! Of course it is! But I am willing to step aside and let Tim Tebow baptize Trump, because my brand is about selflessness and lifting up my brothers in Christ. Also, the restoration committee said I am not allowed to do any baptisms after “the Mother’s Day Incident.” It’s like I’m always telling Kate Shellnutt whenever Christianity Today is reporting on my latest scandal: If I could do it all over again and not get caught, I would.

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