England should make C.S. Lewis king

Folks, it looks like Britain elected a new king. He is a white man (how sad!) whose name is Prince Charles, and now he gets to hold the sword or touch the jewels or whatever, also this makes Camila Cabello the Queen Constant. The reason all this is important is because whenever Britain does something, England can’t be far behind. Soon, England will want their own king, just like that story in the Bible where those people wanted a king, and then some other things happened, which are also in the Bible. The point is this: if you call yourself an American Christian, you must vote for England’s king exactly the same way that I do.

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One of the best power moves for an evangelical thought leader is to write an essay telling people who you are voting for. It doesn’t really matter if the person wins or not; if they lose, you can say I TRIED TO WARN YOU, but if your candidate wins and they mess things up, you can write another think piece and tell everyone THEY CHANGED. Either way, your brand escapes unscathed.

Therefore, it is time that I tell you who should be England’s next king.

But who? Should the new king be a Republican? A Democrat? Nonsense. I don’t think God belongs to any political party, unless one of the parties asks me to be a candidate, and at that point we’ll have to take another look at it.

Some Christians might say “why not just have Billy Graham be King of England?” How foolish! Americans are not allowed to be Kings of England; it is against the Magna Carta¹.

For these reasons, I am proposing a different candidate: C.S. Lewis.

Allow me to explain.

He’s famous

Probably the best judge of a person’s character is whether their brand is strong. C.S. Lewis has an extremely strong brand, because pastors are always repeating his famous quotes, such as “The problem of pain,” or “mere Christianity.” If someone is not famous, it is because God has not blessed their brand, probably because of some hideous secret sin that they are doing. But that’s neither here nor where; C.S. Lewis is famous, so he’s obviously holy.

He wrote The Lord of the Rings

You may not know this, but C.S. Lewis is an author. He has a long time rivalry with J.R.R. Tolkien, who put that extra initial in his name just to feel like he could beat Lewis at something. Lewis wrote the Lord of the Rings series, which are books about various rings and lords. Tolkien was so jealous that he decided to write his own fantasy series, The Chronicles of Riddick.

He is a Christian

I know that Lewis is a Christian because I literally saw a movie about his life: The Remains of the Day, where Anthony Perkins is Lewis and he’s a bachelor and then an American woman comes to visit him and he’s all like hmm, interesting, and she’s looking at him like this, and then he’s like hmmm, very interesting, but they wait until they get married to have sex, which is a thing that only Christians do, they didn’t even hold the sword or touch the jewels, which my youth pastor says counts as a sex.

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1. Latin for blank slate