ETL Reviews Summer Blockbusters
Folks, they are releasing movies in the summer now.
Should Christian families simply walk into movies that they haven’t seen before? This is how our precious children get exposed to the unfettered ribaldry of The Spanish Prisoner.
No, we must have an Evangelical Thought Leader tell us what is safe to watch. Have I seen all of these movies in their entirety? Who am I, Alissa Wilkinson? I would never dilute my hot takes with preconceived research.
Brad Pitt: A
Brad Pitt plays a good-looking blond guy who wants to drive NASCAR, except he can’t, because plays by his own rules, because he is so handsome. Then the guy who played Cassian Andor (Pedro Pascal) is like “do you like to drive fast?” and Brad Pitt is like “yes, I like to drive fast.” So he lets Brad Pitt have a race car, except he has to share it with a rookie who is Black, and also foreign or something, he speaks English but not the right way. Also there are other cars and some of them crash. SPOILER ALERT: there is a race.
Is it biblically sound?
Racing is biblical. Let’s go to the Greek: in one of the Corinthian books, it says that out of all the people who run the race, only one will be the winner. This is why I am always saying that most of the people in my church are losers, because it is biblical.
Should parents be concerned?
There is a sexy blonde lady doctor or therapist or whatever who takes one look at Brad Pitt and is like “you are blond, just like me,” and then he is grabbing her butt while they make out. My youth pastor said this is a sin, because butt stuff counts as being a techni-virgin, and every time you grab a butt, it’s like saying “yes, I am a Christian, BUT…” and then he would say “that’s called an ANALogy,” and his smoking hot wife Heather would shake her head. Anyway, all that wordplay works better orally, which is another way to become a techni-virgin, but whatever.
Mission Impossible 17
Some people tried to tell Ethan Hunt that he’s in his 60s and he will die one day, and he was like “no, no—see, I just dyed my hair again,” and then he strapped himself to the space shuttle and his friends were like “why are you doing that?” and Ethan was like “there’s no time!” and his friends were like “what?” and then Ethan chained himself to a submarine and was like “they’re going to destroy the world if we don’t stop them!” and Ethan’s friends were like “who?” and then Ethan shot himself out of a cannon into a tornado, and his friends were like “Tom, have you ever thought about reading the Bible?” and he was like “I’m not Tom; I’m Ethan and I am 36.”
Is it biblically sound?
The entire Mission Impossible franchise was based on Carman’s Mission 3:16 video, where he turns himself Black so he can hit the antichrist with a paint can and save the world through Church of Christ acapella.
Should parents be concerned?
In the first Mission Impossible movie, Tom Cruise frisked a sexy lady spy to see if she had any weapons, and he touched her boobs. But this was not sexual; that is where lady spies hide their weapons, such as nunchucks and small rocket launchers.
The Fantastic Four: Endgame
The Fantastic Four are back, this time in the past, which is also the future, which is the same, but different. There are portals and explosions. Certain buildings get destroyed.
There were rumors that Robert Downey Jr. would return to the DC Universe in this film, playing another character: blue jean magnate Lewis Strauss. I will not spoil this, so I will simply say that he either does or does not.
Is it biblically sound?
When you look at it theologically, the Fantastic Four are basically a church small group. But church small groups are not biblical, so who’s to say.
Should parents be concerned?
In this movie, the villain is Mystique, who is the herald of Thanos. She rides a surfboard through the sky and is naked. Thankfully, I was not exposed to this sort of adult content when I was a teen, and the first time I saw my wife ride a surfboard through the sky nude, it was a very sacred moment.
Superman
Out of all the Marvel superheroes, Superman is probably in the top 10. This is why they make one (1) Superman film per year. And this year’s Superman is a treat, because it finally introduces Superman’s earth parents. Also—spoiler alert—the appearance of villain Lex Luthor, of whom we have heard rumors about for years. But what really sets this Superman apart from the others is that he is, like, conflicted and stuff.
Is it biblically sound?
Students, can I get real with you for a few moments? If you love Superman, just wait until you hear about the original Super Man. And this Super Man didn’t come from planet Krypton; he was born in Bethlehem.
Should parents be concerned?
Yes. In many of the Superman movies, people at the newspaper ask Clark Kent “are you Superman?” and he’s like “uh, no.” This is a lie. Clark Kent is totally Superman. Lying is not biblical; stay away from this movie.
Jurassic Park World
Probably the reason that they keep making these movies is that there are so many unanswered questions: what if the dinosaurs chased people? What if the people ran around and shot guns and tried to escape the dinosaurs? What if the dinosaurs ate some of the people and then different dinosaurs showed up and the dinosaurs fought each other while the main characters stood there and were like “you can’t control nature,” and then the next movie starts and a different group of people show up and are like “we can control nature.”
Is it biblically sound?
Yes, because there were dinosaurs on the ark.
Should parents be concerned?
No. Homeschooled parents might be able to count this movie as science class.
When I was homeschooled, one of our science books said that dinosaurs might still be alive in the jungles somewhere, and that Japanese fisherman had definitely caught a plesiosaur in 1977. But evolutionists also said that the coelacanth had been extinct for one zillion years, so let’s not act like anyone was undefeated.
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The “Jurassic World” still taken from Congo. Chef’s kiss perfection.
I must admit that, despite its unfettered ribaldry, The Spanish Prisoner is quite seriously a big favorite of my family and me. I mean, Steve Martin playing it stright? George C. Scott's son? The director's wife? That guy from Married With Children? America's sweetheart and premiere close-up magician, the late Ricky Jay? What more could you want? My favorite heist movie ever.