28 Comments
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Joy LaPrade's avatar

Samuel Rehoboam O’Brien 😂 …that IS a rough upbringing

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Nate Manore's avatar

Kid Miracle is objectively bad. He's the nepo artist, so his strength is his marketing team. He'll have to re-brand completely for each album, because each genre keeps catching onto his lack of talent.

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Mary Tappe's avatar

Kassadee sounds like Cadia heavily influenced by Natalie Grant.

Laceland Avenue sounds like they would open for Skillet and no one would bat an eye; they could also all go on to be members of Plumb’s band at one time or another.

Kid Miracle sounds like he listened to Family Force Five too much growing up and the influence sneaks into his music, which doesn’t help with the gravity he’s going for.

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Boris Feigin's avatar

“All of our dads were in Christian bands,” says bassist Malia Grace Leatherwood. “None of them were, like, popular or anything, but it’s cool because now they are pushing us to make that happen.”

Mad Christian music dads, living vicariously though their kids...gotta get behind that :P

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Jaimie's avatar

Cousin Janie Lee Stillwater is going to become disillusioned by Christian music and Backslide (TM), turning to drugs and other excessive partying vices for a time before getting married to a slightly older, established country singer with great scruff, wherein she finds her own true role as the biggest country vocal powerhouse since Faith Hill, indicated by her recent nomination for two Academy of Country Music Awards (!) ...Meanwhile the twins attempt to piggyback on her success, but are really just two more faces in the sad, glittering pond of elite international supermodels

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matthew pierce's avatar

i really look forward to your comments

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Jaimie's avatar

Well thanks ETL!!! I am drawn to expanding theoretical satirical scenarios like a bug to a fluorescent light, and btw, given your kind words now I'll actually consider that job offer your team sent me - Head of Creation of Merch Department.

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Jeanine Joyner's avatar

As a Nashville resident (next door, at least) this is eerily accurate! You nailed it. Kind of scary 🫣

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Susan's avatar

All 53 members of Petra on stage at one time...is worth a Dove award! If Sam Rehoboam aka Kid Miracle should ever quit the day job (called by the Lord to step down from fame to spend more time with his family), I think he'd be great being one of the random dancers bopping on stage with Hillsong =)

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Paul's avatar

No but seriously that remix album when...?

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Justine's avatar

It's tough to choose which band wins when you have to decide whether you are voting based on who SHOULD win a Dove and who has the most nepo baby power to keep winning for the same song every time they re-release with (___ Version) every three years.

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Kori Morgan's avatar

This is brilliant.

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Frank Ewert's avatar

Next time, Matthew, you should do "Fake Christian Artists: The Crossover Edition." Where have all the roaring lambs gone?

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Stefanie Barrett's avatar

Perfection😂

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Alan's avatar

The real question is: Which "artist" is the favorite of the Home School Crew?

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matthew pierce's avatar

well, josiah is definitely not allowed to have either a kassadee poster or a laceland avenue poster in his room, after The Barlowgirl Incident. nathaniel's mom won't let him listen to kid miracle because she heard a sermon that said christian hip hop was too worldly. jeremiah has a HUGE crush on aqua ellison

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Jaimie's avatar

Yes please, do tell!!!

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Clint Wrede's avatar

Of everyone in this piece, the one I want to see most is Maxx Jasper (who, before he was saved, was known as Maxxx Jasper).

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matthew pierce's avatar

he'll be back out on tour as soon as sufficient eyeliner can be attained

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Jaimie's avatar

My 12-y-o daughter votes Kid Miracle, so I will also vote that way

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Wendi Nunnery's avatar

My old Brio magazines are clamoring to do features on these guys.

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