God loves single Christians too, kind of

My friends, I guess they’re letting single people into churches now. It may have been like this for some time, I don’t know. When you have a powerful brand like I do, you must always guard yourself against scandal, and that is why I never talk to young single women, because whenever a thought leader has a sex scandal, it seems like it involves a young attractive woman, so I guess those are the most sinful kind of women. (I don’t talk to younger men because I just don’t like people in general.)

Nevertheless, if we are going to let single people come to our churches and stand around the coffee bar, someone needs to tell them what to do.

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When I was homeschooled back in the 90s, conference speakers and co-op leaders would just say the phrase “purposeful singlehood” over and over again, because they had spent all their time telling us that dating was a sin and it turned out they had no idea what came after that. Another thing they told us was that Bill Clinton was a bad guy, and now that has become the woke position, so I guess they get credit for being on that one early.

But if I could get real with you for a moment: not every Christian is able to get on one early. Some Christians have to wait until they are 19 or even 20 to get married. Are we to just shout “purposeful singlehood” at them until the wedding night? Of course not. This is 2023; we must make a list that can be easily shared for maximum views and engagements. No more than 2 or 3 sentences for each heading; just enough to make up an anecdote and feign competency, then keep it moving. If you spend too much time on any one point, you open yourself up to questions.

My brothers and sisters, consider the following ways to live purposefully as a single believer:

Take lots of nude photos of yourself

You just can’t send them to anyone. Not yet. The point is this: your private parts probably look great right about now, all smooth and shiny and just, like, happy to be there. Probably a good thing to do is to take thousands of nudes of yourself, so that you can have them, for whatever. For instance, if you get married, you can wait till your spouse is old and send them one of your nudes from 50 years ago and include an inspirational message like yes, you will be dead soon, but when we get to heaven we will have new bodies that look more like this.

Call your married friends every night during their children’s bedtime, just to talk

Call your married friends who have small children often. Tell them things like

• Well, it’s 8:00, I think I’m just going to go to bed early and get nine hours of sleep

• Do you want to go out and get some drinks…oh wait, you can’t, lol, never mind

• My pet is just like having a baby, there is literally no difference

• It’s so quiet and peaceful over here

• Here’s what you are doing wrong as a parent:

Never masturbate

Folks, let’s talk about the literal hot button issue. If you masturbate before marriage, it won’t be as special when you masturbate during marriage. I know some people don’t like talking about this, but when you are an evangelical thought leader, you can’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.

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