I alone understand how to be a Christian man
Probably the most dangerous thing in Christianity right now is so-called biblical manhood. I say so-called because I don’t have the time to study this issue1, and when I don’t understand something, it’s easier to just attack it. It’s like that one thing that was said by an author, who I don’t like very much, either.
Let’s go to the Greek: “biblical manhood” comes from Greek words that mean “scripture” and “dong,” respectably. And I don’t think you should let your private parts read the Bible; they will become too powerful, also your dong will get confused whenever you have a boner because it will think it is being raptured, sorry if this offends you, guess you have a problem with theology.
For too long, the Church has been kicking the car down the road when it comes to men. There are so many competing brands telling Christian men how to act: do you make a lot of celebrity friends and try to get nice ladies who are not your wife to touch your privates? Or do you have to apologize in front of your church whenever you text a joke to a lady?
It would be nice if there was a set of clear, easy to understand rules for how God expects men to conduct themselves. A concrete set of eternal truths that could protect the Church and help men to thrive.
Of course I’m talking about this think piece. There’s basically nowhere else you can find that kind of thing. That’s why I’m a thought leader: without me, you’d have to look through the Bible to figure out which Christian books to read.
Men who are more successful or stronger than me are toxic. Whenever I feel like I don’t measure up, that is a bad feeling, and I do not have to feel things I don’t want to feel, because I am under the New Covenant
Everything is my father’s fault. If you are like me and had a father who was present physically and emotionally, that’s even worse, because that means he set the bar too high. He should have been more considerate, and been a worse person
Women are not safe if they are attractive. I am always talking to women who are not attractive, because I imagine that it’s a pretty big thrill for them. It’s called being selfless, which is one of the Fruits on the Mount or whatever. However, if a woman is hot, they are probably dangerous, because if you’re not trying to seduce me, then why are you sexy? I will still try to talk to these women, but if it doesn’t work, I will act like it’s because I’m setting boundaries or something
I am the head. Christians are always arguing about whether men should be in charge of everything, or if we can pretend to let women do some things. Let’s step right into the liar’s den with this one: the Bible says that men are the heads of something. My youth pastor was very clear on this: he said if you give head to lots of people, it won’t be as special when you give it to your wife. So maybe don’t let other women like your side chick be in charge of your family, but I guess it’s okay if your wife does some things, as long as she’s not letting her private parts read the Bible or whatever
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)
that would take valuable time away from creating hot takes
So so funny