I assure you that I, too, have a smoking hot wife
Probably the most important thing you can do for your evangelical brand is to have a wife who is smoking hot. Of course, you also have to tell everyone about it, or you will be like that one paradigm Jesus told of the guy who buried his candle underground. Not smart!
Whenever you are speaking in front of a Christian audience, like in a church or college or restoration committee meeting or whatever, you have to remind people that your wife is extremely attractive. That way, everyone looks at her and is like he gets to touch that lady’s butt; he must be pretty cool. And then they don’t really question you too much, because they’d rather sit there and do a mind sex, because they just imagined touching a butt.
Another reason you have to always talk about your hot wife is because it sends a message to all the other Christian women: sorry ladies, you are not allowed to grab a big ol’ handful of my privates, because I am married, but also, my hot wife is proof that I am very desirable, and let’s just say that hypothetically I wasn’t married, you should totally be into me, ha ha just kidding but anyway.
Sometimes people ask me what they should do if they accidentally marry someone who is not hot. Probably the best thing is to just ask them to prayerfully consider not being ugly anymore, I guess, I honestly don’t really know; all of my wives have been extremely good looking. If we want to face the cold heart facts, this is another reason why you should always wait until marriage to have sex: when you are sleeping with someone, you lose focus of their truly important characteristics, such as whether or not other people rate them as attractive.
Another thing people ask me is whether it’s important for a lady thought leader to have a smoking hot husband. Not necessarily. This is because women mostly get boners in their heart; only certain things affect them visually, such as
the cowboy in this television show has a beard; I desire to have several dozen of his children
I saw a strong man being affectionate with a baby and now I want to cry and hump at the same time
[that one scene where Captain America chops wood]
My husband is wearing a nice sweater and I have an uncontrollable urge to post a pic of him to Instagram with the caption THIS MAN
[Note: sometimes women get affected visually when you do your Ruth and Boaz role play, but this is hit or miss.]
But let’s not get off on a rabbit tail here. The point of this think piece is to assure you that I, too, have a smoking hot wife. I know this is true because I asked her, and she said that she was the hottest woman I would ever be able to land. But she doesn’t just say this to me; she’s always telling her friends and everyone at church that I couldn’t possibly do any better than her. And that makes me look really good, which is why, out of all the wives I’ve had, she’s probably in the top 5.
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)
Pulitzer worthy piece right here.
I'm still waiting for the live-action retelling of Ruth and Boaz, with a slow build toward the Ruth-undresses-Boaz's-feet scene. Talk about a threshing floor. A woman will have to be the director, because a dude would probably cast Gerard Depardieu as Boaz (which could totally ruin the story for me), when we gals are thinking more along the lines of Gerard Butler. Cap it off with enough scenes of hot shirtless Boaz gathering barley to nail down a PG-13 rating.