I Can't Wait Until You Die, So Jesus Can Tell You that I was Right

Probably the biggest problem with Christianity right now is all the morons they’re letting in. And some of the dumbest Christians are the ones with the biggest brands! My team told me not to make a list, but you can probably guess some of the leaders who I am talking about. Actually, I’m just going to make the list anyway:

1. Mr. Pierce, our employer, does not wish to offend anyone. He is a dynamic leader at the forefront of evangelical thought, with a track record of deep and abiding respect towards believers of all persuasions and convictions. He looks forward to continued opportunities to minister and lead

One day, our earthly struggles will come to an end, and we will fellowship with our loving Father for all eternity. This will be a very special time, because I will get to watch other Christians’ faces as they realize that I was right about all of the issues. Hopefully it looks like this, where they do this thing with their eyes and you can tell that they are super ashamed.

Now, I know what you are thinking: if people who disagree with me will eventually learn the truth in heaven, wouldn’t it be better if they just went ahead and died? This is a good thought, yes. I am always thinking this, too.

But let’s not put the cart before the whores. Sometimes, God puts stupid people in our path to teach us things, such as gratitude. Like when you see a Christian who has wrong opinions, and you can say “I am grateful that I am not like this idiot.” This is exactly what the teachers of the law, the Philippians, would say when they went to the corners to pray, and saying you went to the corner to pray is an excellent cover story to give the restoration committee, I learned this from Jimmy Swaggart, speaking of pulling your cart up to the sex workers. Anyway, if the teachers of the law had spent more time praying on the corners and less time breeding vipers, maybe Jesus wouldn’t have yelled at them.¹

Even so, are we biting off more than we can choose? Should we be so quick to give up on our fellow believers, each whom is a precious image bearer of the Divine? After all, don’t some people change?

Of course they do! They get worse. The longer a Christian is alive, the worse their opinions get. I know this because old people at church are always mad at me. It’s not my fault; if you are over the age of 70 and want to sit next to me in the sanctuary, I’m going to ask if you are planning on dying soon. Also, I don’t shake old people’s hands, because I’m worried that their hand will pop out like what happens to a Lego man, but this is just a personal thing. Anyway, all this is why I am always hanging out with the youth group, because teenagers are better for your brand, but the restoration committee has a problem with this, too.

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1. a snake is literally the bad guy in Genesis, you learn these things when you go to the Greek