I couldn't help but notice that you suck at marriage

Probably the worst sin for a Christian is to be single. Single Christians have freedom and hobbies and extra money and some of them have faces without wrinkles, and these are all things that I covet, and when I covet, it is always the other person’s fault, this is why Christian Twitter is always defending Bathsheba; if Uriah didn’t have such a hot naked wife on the roof, King David wouldn’t have coveted her, so obviously Uriah was the bad guy in that whole deal.

This is why marriage is extremely important to Christianity: it’s one of the two ways we make sure there are less cool young people wandering around the church who make us feel threatened. The other way is to have them all join some kind of praise band named RE*AWAKENED or something where they are always talking about redefining worship for a new generation, also they wear wide brimmed hats.

However, it has come to my attention that many of you in the church suck at marriage. Now, if you are not a believer, it is not my job to publicly comment on your failures, I will do that in private. But if you are a Christian, it is my job to engage with your problems and help you, which is called sharpening the iron, except when people do it to me, and then it is called shooting the wounded.

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Don’t be selfish

One thing I am always telling my wife is that when you are married, it is your job to make sure that your spouse is happy at all times. I can’t be expected to take care of myself; that’s selfishness, which is a sin. That’s why God gave me a spouse, so that she can take care of me. The Bible calls this agape love, which is Greek for a kind of love.

Communication is dangerous

If your marriage is in trouble, one thing people will tell you is “stop putting your wiener inside strange women.” Another thing they will tell you is “open up the channels of communication.” Um, no. My friends, if your marriage is already in trouble, you don’t want more communication! What if the communication is bad, like “I have decided that I am in love with your grandfather,” or “we are out of queso!”

That’s why I am always telling married couples to stop talking to each other.

People are appliances

One thing I like to do is compare men and women to various objects. This is a thought leader power move; people love objects. This is why, whenever I do student ministry with teen boys, I’m like “if you guys don’t understand girls, you need to objectify them.”

But anyway, if your marriage is in trouble, remember the following:

• Men are like toasters; when you see something pop up, you better grab it while it’s hot

• Women are like refrigerators; you’ve got jugs waiting for you at home, there’s no reason to walk down the milk aisle

• Men are like couches; strong and silent, full of loose change, with four tiny legs

• Women are like nunchucks; elegant, made of wood and metal chains, and can be twirled at high speeds to destroy attacking assassins

The best thing about comparing men and women to objects is that you don’t really have to connect the points to anything; people will just sort of nod because they recognize the object. But anyway, use all the things I just said to save your marriage or whatever. You can definitely trust me because I am a thought leader, and I only ask my wife get naked and go up on the roof on special occasions.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)