I, Too, Have a List of Christians I Don't Like

Folks, the Presbyterians are at it again.

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A long time ago, all Christians were either Catholics or Baptists. If we go to the Greek, we see what happened to the Catholics: they tried to build a tower to heaven, which was called the Vatican, so God made them speak different languages. Then some people thought that the Catholics were drunk, and many of them were, but then Peter said some things, and it was Pentecost. Anyway, the German ones became Lutherans, the English ones became Anglicans, and all the old ones had to stay Catholic.

Presbyterians came from Baptists. This was because Baptists are always outside, doing church picnics and barbecues and mission trips, just a bunch of big sweaty boys waddling around eating meat and trying to baptize people. Presbyterians made their own denomination, because their pale and sickly skin could not tolerate direct sunlight. They built their own churches, where they could creep through the dark and musty passageways, studying their volumes of dusty theology books and peering with suspicion at the outside world through tiny slits in the boarded up windows.

Anyway, the Presbyterians are causing trouble this week. A Presbyterian guy took a break from his schedule of drinking craft beer and listening to podcasts to appear on a podcast and flash a sticky note of names of Christians he didn’t like. In doing so, he made two critical errors:

1. He did not have a brand. Brands can’t make mistakes! When you have a brand, you can hide all of your sins behind it.

2. He did not have enough women and minorities on the list. This is privilege.

But back to the first thing. When you have a brand, you can do whatever you want. I will demonstrate this, by talking openly about my list of Christians I don’t like. Remember, my brand is vibrant and powerful, so nothing bad will happen to me.

Minorities

Probably the biggest mistake that thought leaders make is that they discriminate against minorities, by being nice to them.

As a thought leader, I am annoyed by the vast majority of white Christians. But because I am woke, I also proudly state that I do not like Christians of color, either, if I even saw color, which I do not. If we go back to the Greek, there was that one place where Peter was talking again, and he said that God is not a respecter of persons. Neither am I, folks.

Max Lucado and Skye Jethani

They are not fooling anyone. Those are names of Jedi, and I want to know why the Republic has sent them to infiltrate the Church. If the Jedi were so good, why didn’t they realize that Jar Jar was the actual Sith Lord? It makes you think.

Women

It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: whenever I go down to South America on a clandestine mission to rescue trafficked children, and I choose an attractive Christian woman to accompany me and pose as my wife, and I tell her that the child traffickers have bugged our hotel room, so we better have sex, to save the children, and she refuses, how can that be my fault?

And then the restoration committee always has a lot of questions. But I can’t answer them, because what if the child traffickers have bugged the church conference room, too?

Mike Cosper

I must say: when Mike is producing sprawling prestige podcast series that destroy the brands of my theological rivals, I am a huge fan. However, when he turns his attention to the dozens of scandals that I am hiding behind my brand, I am no longer a fan. And to all of my associates: do not answer Mike’s questions when he asks you about me. The child traffickers have bugged the phones.

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