I'm Not God, Yet

One thing that people who are on my ministry payroll are always telling me is that I make great decisions. I know this is true, because I rarely find fault with myself, except whenever I am apologizing for something that I didn’t mean to get caught doing. It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: “beware the ideas of March,” which is a saying that comes from history.

Other thought leaders like to say things like “I’m not God,” but we already knew that, because your brand is so weak. I never tell people I’m not God. For one, they could be morons, and might actually think I AM God, and will do whatever I tell them to. Secondly, what if God decides to put me in charge at some point? It could happen: back in one of the Testaments, God ruled the land through the use of judges. There is a whole book of the Bible about it: Joshua. So, yes. God could definitely decide to place me in charge. To say otherwise would be to put God in a box, which is different than putting out a fleece, unless the fleece is inside the box, but if you went to the Greek more often, you would know that God is already in the box AND the fleece, because he is alphapresent.

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If God made me a judge, probably the first thing I judge would be all of the different evangelical brands. I would separate them like the sheep from the chaff. But after that, I would try to fix things, such as:

The Olympics

Folks, they’ve put sports into gender again. My team informs me that there was a major controversy involving women’s boxing at the Olympics. Of course, there is an easy fix here that everyone wants: don’t let women play sports anymore. But I don’t believe in taking away people’s opportunities, unless it benefits me in some way. So, why not try this: have all the boxers fight at once, like they do in the Royal Rumble, which is a real sport.

I would also like to fix swimming, which has one hundred different medals, and I would fix it by simply having one medal for whoever the fastest swimmer is, but no one is ready to have this conversation yet.

Politics

Christians are always arguing about who to vote for, so I will make a new rule: if you are a believer, you are only allowed to vote if you go on a mission trip that year. It will either make people shut up, or it will finish the Great Commission, either one is fine, they are both good outcomes.

Social Media

When Christians aren’t yelling at each other about politics, they are trolling each other on social media over theology. I will also fix this with a simple rule: before you are allowed to attack someone’s theology, you must post one (1) nude of yourself. That way, we can know if you are serious. Me and my team will be like “this person isn’t trolling, because see how weird their privates look? They must be really sincere,” and we will let you post whatever deranged ad hominem nonsense you want. This is called accountability, which is another thing that you would understand, if you went to the Greek once in a while.

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