Is it a sin for babies to smoke?

Probably the most sinful of all Christians are the babies. They rarely repent of their sins, they don’t read the Bible, and very few of them preach sermons.

However, if you walk into any contemporary church, you wouldn’t know this! My friends, this generation of believers is afraid to confront babies. Whenever I see a pastor, he’s always like “you didn’t show up for your meeting with the restoration committee,” and never “the babies are sinning again.”

When you are a thought leader, you don’t have the luxury of being afraid. The only time your takes are allowed to get cold is when they throw them in the coffin with you, because you are in the coffin as well, and you are cold, because you are dead. This is why I am confronting the issue that other Christians are scared to bring up: babies smoking. And, because I don’t want to bother fully researching the topic, I will phrase it in the form of a question. Is it a sin for babies to smoke?

What does the Scripture say?

Let’s go to the Greek. While most of the books of the Bible don’t mention cigarettes, we can still look at other verses and make them about our topic, this is called doing theology, when I do it.¹ For instance, the disciple Paul said that if someone gets offended by the food you eat, they should be sacrificed to idols. I don’t really remember how this ties back to babies smoking, but that’s the thing about theology: sometimes it is a mystery.

It will make them too popular

Some people, who I just made up in my mind, will argue that babies are impressionable, and will thus think that smoking is cool. This argument is correct; smoking is extremely cool. You are putting something in your mouth, lighting it on fire, and blowing the smoke out through your nose. It’s like you are a dragon, or a wizard. But let’s not get beaten off the path (that’s what happened to the Good Sarmatian): I am firmly against young people being cooler than I am, and for this reason, we cannot allow babies to smoke in our churches.

Peer pressure

Babies are susceptible to peer pressure. If you allow one baby in the church nursery to bring cigarettes in their diaper bag, pretty soon all of them will follow suit. This is why I am always going into the nursery and searching the diaper bags.

They might burn their mothers’ bosoms

Think about it: when do most people smoke? I don’t know anyone who smokes, I try to never talk to sinners for any reason, but I have seen plenty of TV shows. I know that the two times most people want to do a cigarette are 1) after they have sex and 2) after they eat.

Now, most babies aren’t married, so we don’t have to worry about the first thing. But what about after a baby eats? Specifically, let’s talk about babies who breastfeed their milk right out of the nipple of the boob. This could be very dangerous for the mothers! As soon as the baby finishes eating, they immediately put a cigarette in their mouth and light up. This is how people get burned; with things that are hot. All I’m saying is this: we need to be thinking about our sisters in Christ, and how hot their breasts are. This is another thing I am always saying, and sometimes they talk to me about it at the restoration committee meetings.

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1. when other people do it, it’s called bad theology