Is it a sin for Christians to worship Santa Claus?

Probably the most dangerous time for believers is Christmas. This is because of the War on Christmas, which is where the greedy developers and their atheist lawyers try to shut down the rustic bed and breakfast run by an implausibly hot widower father because he put up a nativity scene and then the jaded young Professional Woman Lawyer takes up his case and they rediscover the True Meaning of Christmas with some light snuggling in front of a fire while her ovaries shake around like maracas, also there is an old guy in the town named Doc.

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Some Christians struggle with how to approach the holidays. There are many complex issues to navigate, and this is a danger, because whenever something is complex, some people want to use nuance. How sad! When things are confusing is when we need hot takes the most! That’s why I always tell Christians exactly what to do, to save them from being confused by thinking. It’s called having a servant’s heart.

Should we observe Advent?

If you are Protestant and you observe advent it is appropriation, which is the sin where you take other denominations’ traditions and steal them, like how Southern Baptist churches pretend to be non-denominational and how Lutherans pretend to not be Catholic. If you want to give up something for 30 days until the Pope sees his shadow or whatever you should just go to a Catholic synagogue but I think you have to have beads or they won’t let you into the little closets.

Should we do Elf on a Shelf?

Let’s go to the Greek: back in the Old Testament, when Jesus was in that crowded house, Zaccheus came and got on the roof and chopped a hole in the ceiling so he could see what was going on. And then when Jesus asked Zaccheus what he was doing, Zaccheus said “I am a wee little man” but Jesus had to correct him, because that was insensitive. And then some other stuff happened and Peter asked if they should build three new roofs but he was just talking nonsense because Jesus had been transfixed. Anyway, the point is that having a small man up high where he can see things is biblical.

Should we worship Santa Claus?

My friends, every day I hear from well-meaning Christian families who struggle with whether or not to let their children worship Santa. But all the kids at school worship him! When I was a kid, I worshipped Santa! It’s just a little harmless fun…or is it?

First of all, let’s take a closer look at Santa Claus. Who is he? An old man trying to wiggle into your chimney and grab your goodies? Folks, we are through the looking grass. Santa doesn’t need your milk and cookies; he needs a breakout session with my youth pastor on radical purity.

Another thing about Santa is that he knows if every child has been naughty or nice. This is called being omniknowing, which is a thing that only God is. So now we must ask that time-tested question from Tolkien: is this man a lawyer, lunatic, or Lord? I don’t really know what happens after you ask the question, just that it must be asked.

Finally, if you still need a reason to not worship Santa, think about this: do you want See You at the Pole to be at the North Pole? The North Pole is literally at the top of the world, in the country of Antarctica. There aren’t even that many schools there anyway, mostly just bed and breakfasts, which are the real targets in the War on Christmas.

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