Is it a sin to eat a sandwich?

LifeWay research estimates that many Christians regularly eat food. And when you are talking about popular food items that are held together with two pieces of bread, sandwiches are definitely one of those things. However, many Christian thought leaders remain silent about sandwiches. Perhaps this is due to the influence of Chick-fil-A, which is among the leading national faith-based chicken sandwich restaurants with undersized parking lots that are closed on Sundays.

My friends, I did not get into the thought leader game to sit idly by. If you have lukewarm takes, you will get spit out. It’s time someone asked the difficult theological questions: Is it a sin to eat sandwiches?

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Sometimes, eating something is a sin

• Jeffrey Dahmer was a man who killed people without their permission and then ate them, as a treat. This is usually a sin. Also, a lot of hipster pastors try to look like Jeffrey Dahmer, on purpose, but this doesn’t really get him off the hook, he still shouldn’t have done those murders.¹

• Halloween candy. When I was a kid, sometimes my parents would go to homeschool conferences and read a bunch of Chick tracts and get real KJV woke about things and then we weren’t allowed to go trick or treating that year because somebody heard from somebody that there were witches in rural Alabama who were putting razor blades in Halloween candy, but it was okay because we would wear homemade biblical costumes to the harvest festival at church, and I bet all the babes were real impressed but were just too shy to tell us.

  

• Drugs. Since I was homeschooled, I don’t know what drugs are, but I guess you probably eat them. I also know that they come in brown paper bags that someone in a denim jacket hands you on a street corner, I learned this from Focus on the Family videos.

Did you steal the sandwich?

Put it back, that is not your sandwich. That is Tyler Huckabee’s sandwich.

Are you sure it’s a sandwich?

Often, in the heat of the moment, I sink my teeth into a delicious sandwich, only to realize that I am actually chewing on Steven Curtis Chapman’s hand, because I am standing on stage at the Dove Awards and he just presented me with a prestigious award. When this happens, I am only embarrassed for a short time, because I soon realize that I am not in fact at the Dove Awards: I have fallen asleep on my couch again. And it is my own hand that I am chewing on.

Are you eating the sandwich immodestly?

Ladies, are you eating a sandwich in a way that would make your brothers in Christ stumble? Are you gently running your fingertips over the crust, biting your lip, your mind aglow with the imminent pleasure of culinary satisfaction? Do you sensually lick the bread, breathing deeply, whispering the forbidden longings of a hunger that dare not say its name? Or do you take hold of the sandwich with both hands and attack it with primal abandon, snorting and grunting like Cookie Monster, crumbs flying in every direction? My sisters, this should not be.

Probably the most dangerous thing for Christian men is to watch women eat. It is very erotic to see a lady put something like a sandwich in her mouth because a sandwich half is basically the shape of a banana, and if you see a woman putting a banana in her mouth it will make you think of something else that is sexual, such as a lady eating hot dogs or popsicles. This is why Billy Graham invented the Billy Graham Rule, which is to never eat somewhere that women are eating, and this is why Franklin Graham loves Panda Express so much, he was never allowed to go there when he was a kid because he might accidentally see a lady slurping on a noodle, which is another thing a sandwich might make you think of.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)

1. my youth pastor says it’s not a loophole to eat someone before the wedding night