Is it Time to Bring Purity Culture Back?

Folks, it looks like the pastors are doing bad sexes again. I don’t know this for a fact, but I saw some people posting about church scandals, so I assumed it was a sex thing or something. There are so many of these scandals that I don’t need to list examples, which is good, because I can’t list examples, because I’m writing this article myself. My team usually writes these for me, but I sent them out to area bookstores to pretend to be customers looking for my book, which is called marketing.

Here’s an idea: could we stop these church scandals by bringing back purity culture? But wait, an imaginary person will say. Isn’t purity culture toxic? Well, yes, but lots of things in Christianity are toxic, such as Calvinism and single women. Besides, I’m just asking questions, which is a thing I say when I’m waiting to see if people will agree with me.

Probably the most important thing about being a thought leader is swimming against the grain. Why is there grain in the stream? Because of the harvest, which is in the Bible, I think it means the Rapture, if you go to the Greek you can find out. Anyway, when all of the thought leaders are going one way, I like to go the other way, because it makes me seem wise.

So, let’s look at some of the benefits of bringing purity culture back:

Purity Rings

When you do purity culture, you get special purity rings that prevent you from doing bad sexes. Everyone forgets this. When we bring purity culture back, I will simply give one ring to every pastor, and also one to Becki Falwell, and probably bury a few around Ravi Zacharias’ grave, just to be safe. This way, whenever a pastor sees a young woman and is like “gee whiz, I’d like to put my noodle in THAT strudel,” he will look down at his purity ring and be like “aw shucks, never mind,” and then you hear one of those sad trombone slides, which is the sound noodles make when they shrink back down to regular size.

Father Daughter Balls

Lots of people complain about father daughter balls, I guess because there’s not really anyone there to date, either for the dads or the daughters. Maybe a good compromise would be to let the fathers who have girlfriends bring them to the dance. Anyway, I don’t think it’s right to trick people into going somewhere by promising balls, and it’s just some dumb dance. So we should put some balls in there, too, so the fathers, daughters, and mistresses can shoot some hoops and at least have a little bonding time.

Dress Codes

It’s like I’m always telling the women’s groups I minister to: dress codes are to protect us, from ugly people. If you are hot, you should wear as little clothes as possible, this is why I am always posting shirtless pics to IG with vaguely spiritual captions like “grateful for beach szn” even though it’s December and I’m taking the selfie in a Target dressing room.

But let’s not veer off chorus. We should bring back dress codes, with a twist: married Christians should wear big medallions that say SEX HAVER. This way, other Christians will see your medallion, and they will be like “oh, she is already married, she does not need extra sex.” I’m pretty sure this will stop all affairs in the church. Single Christians should also wear medallions, maybe they could say something like NOT LAME or I HAVE YET TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY FRIENDS, HOBBIES, AND DREAMS

Shame

One of the reasons that purity culture went away is because people didn’t like all the shame it created. Unfortunately, we have too many stupid people in the church right now, and we need to make some of them feel bad, so they’ll knock it off. This is why, when we bring purity culture back, I need to be in charge of the shame. I won’t make everyone feel bad; just the people who get on my nerves. Are you a control freak megachurch pastor who bullies your staff and congregation? Shame for you. Are you an evangelical leader who is leading people astray with prosperity gospel and fake miracles? Shame. Do you believe differently than me? Shame. Are you asking me questions about my ministry and its finances? Extra shame. Are you on my restoration committee? Maximum shame. Some people may take issue with this model, but there will always be people who swim with the grain.

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