Is the Church Running Out of Smoking Hot Wives?

My friends, have you noticed that we don’t hear much about smoking hot wives anymore?

Back in the old days, your youth pastor taught abstinence by pointing to his wife in the front row and reminding everyone that she was smoking hot. Her name was Miss Jennifer. And the reason that she was smoking hot was because she hadn’t grabbed a bunch of strange wieners when she was in youth group, because wieners make you Worldly, but if you stay pure, all of your horniness builds up inside you and starts boiling until one day your complexion clears up and you look good in a pair of Levi’s. This is how girl Christians got hot; boy Christians got hot by going on the Wild at Heart Junior Rafting Experience, where we stopped the rafts halfway through on a sandbar and pledged to not masturbate, because we weren’t allowed to grab our wieners, either.

So, why has all the talk of smoking hot wives died down? Is it because of woke? Is it because of Christian Nationalism? What if it is something much more critical—what if the Church is running out of smoking hot wives? Think about it: how many hot Christian ladies have you seen in the past few minutes?

This probably becomes the number one emergency for the Church. If we don’t have hot wives, it becomes very difficult to teach our teenagers purity. You can’t point to your wife in the front row and say “guys, this is what your reward will be” if your wife looks like Shemp Howard; the teens will be doing AI sexes on their phones before they even leave the student ministry annex and walk past the Mission 1:8 Coffee Bar.

Believers, we need to talk about how to fix this.

Find some pagan babes

Probably the easiest way to fix the hot wife shortage is to go find some hot secular ladies and, like, convert them or whatever. Unfortunately, because the restoration committee is choosing law over grace, I will not be able to participate in this ministry, even though I have more experience than anyone at this: I met my 2nd, 3rd, and current wife by accosting unsaved women and offering them Winter Jam tickets.

Stop letting so many dudes become Christians

If we cannot get more hot babes into the Church, we may need to limit the amount of men who are allowed to get saved, which will fix the ratio. Also, I need to be in charge of which men are allowed to be Christians. Probably to help make it clear, I will make a list of rules that decide who the True Christians are, and I am the only one who gets to adjust the rules. Then I will go on social media and post about which people make the cut and which people aren’t actually Christians. I don’t think that this has ever been tried before, but I think that it could work.

Only let ugly Christian women deconstruct

Now, before you cancel me, let me explain: I don’t see ugly women, I only see ugly Christians. It’s like it says in the Greek, in that one place: there are no men or women, there aren’t any Jewish Gentiles, and slaves aren’t free, they cost money.

All I am proposing is that if you are a hot Christian, you are not allowed to deconstruct, because we need you in the dating pool. And if you aren’t sure if you are hot or not, then I encourage you to remain in the church, because unlike those bloodthirsty jackasses on the restoration committee, I believe in grace.

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