It's Time for Homeschool Nationalism

Probably the one thing that all believers agree on is Christian nationalism. Progressive Christians are always saying “I like Christian nationalism, but it doesn’t go far enough.” Then conservative Christians are like “yes, what they said, it doesn’t go far enough.” And then my youth pastor is like “if you have to ask if you are going too far, then you are going too far,” but he isn’t talking about Christian nationalism, he is talking about getting to whatever base is the base where you put your hand on the lady’s privates. That’s the bad base.

Folks, I never got to the bad base. Me and my homeschool crew never got out of the batter’s box, and that was the only box that we got to experience, because when you are homeschooled, you don’t have time to do bad sexes, because you are very busy learning about history and thinking about doing sexes. Like they say in The Andorian (Star Wars), “that’s the way, all right.”

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So, what would homeschool nationalism look like?

My friends, I am not suggesting that we force every American to be homeschooled. It will be voluntary, and people will choose to be homeschooled, or we will shoot them with powerful lasers. I am pretty sure that this will solve all of this country’s problems, such as:

It will give adults something fun to do

In the old days, homeschooling was only for children, which is ageist. When we start homeschool nationalism, it will be for everyone. Just think: instead of OnlyFans or doing crimes, adults will be able to study textbooks, whenever they like.

We can retrain public school teachers to be ninjas or supermodels

When everyone is doing school at home, we won’t have any need for public school teachers. Folks, it’s time that we trained these people to do a real job, like being a spy or assassin. Maybe some of them can be supermodels, or maybe they can be supermodels AND assassins, like maybe they make the bad guy fall in love with them, but also they have throwing stars, and their lipstick is a radio.

We can convert all high school buildings to pseudo-Hillsong churches with names like City Church or Life Church

Hi, I’m Jaxen, campus pastor here at City Life. If this is your first time with us, we’d love it if we could meet you in the Coffee Commons after the service and share with you our vision for how God is using this church to turn a moment… [dramatic pause] …into a movement.

You, too, can learn so much history that you become jaded and insufferable

Do you have a favorite president? Not anymore, you don’t. Get ready to learn approximately one hundred faults of each American president, starting with George Washington, whose handling of the Whiskey Rebellion is directly connected to Joe Biden’s current health cover-up, which can be traced back to Nixon bombing Cambodia, which has its roots in Andrew Jackson’s treatment of Native Americans, which led to Reagan’s Iran-Contra scandal. Get ready to have an opinion on William Henry Harrison, buddy.

Everybody gets up at 9am

Friends, do you know what’s not biblical? Getting up early to go to school. When everyone is homeschooled, we will get up at 9, or 10, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Stumble into the kitchen, throw a couple handfuls of dry cereal into your mouth, drink some coffee like you’re a middle-aged teenager, then go back to your room and just kind of space out for several hours. Then, in a fugue state of academic panic, do three days’ worth of math, English, and science. Look at the clock. It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Pull out two books on ancient Rome and one biography of Erwin Rommel and lay down on your bed. Open your eyes, it’s 5:00 and you fell asleep. Meet your friends at Taco Bell and talk about the plan to raise money for a car by growing and selling produce at the farmer’s market. Return home and spend the rest of the night watching Turner Classic Movies and thinking about boobs. Carry your particular cocktail of maturity, awkwardness, and repression through adulthood, until you write articles that make other homeschoolers do this

That’s the way, all right.

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