Jeffrey Epstein is Probably Disqualified

Folks, the Church is talking about sex again.

All this week, Christians have been debating polygamy on social media. This is because a mysterious man waded into The Discourse and said that it is biblical to have multiple wives. This man, who is apparently a pastor, shared his personal story of having relationships with multiple women, and challenged the orthodoxy of monogamy.

This man, of course, is Jeffrey Epstein.

The Christian argument for polygamy goes like this:

• there are more women than men, like probably 5 to 1, I mean who knows, I can’t count all the people in the whole world. If God would simply make more men, then I wouldn’t be forced to have sex with multiple women

• there are words in the Greek which could mean exactly the thing that I need them to say

• I really, really like the idea of having sex with more than one woman

If you are a Christian lady, you might be thinking “gee, this sounds great, where can I sign up to get bonus dongs?” Unfortunately, polygamy only works when it is the boy Christian who gets to do extra sexes. When the girl Christian does it, it is called being a slut. And Christian ladies are only allowed to be a slut under certain circumstances, such as posting family beach vacation pictures to Facebook where you’re in your good bikini and then your son’s friend likes the picture and you’re like “I don’t remember Brayden sending me a friend request, why am I friends with that little perv,” and then you feel guilty, because what if Brayden is mesmerized by your mama jugs, but then you remember that it’s 2025 and kids are creating AI porn on their phones before they can read, so that’s cool because now you feel dirty, old, AND hopeless, so looks like it’s time for a glass of wine.

But let’s get back to Pastor Epstein. Are we going to remain silent while our Christian leaders collect wives by the dozen? By no means!

I remember a simpler time, when celebrity pastors had the decency to have sex with women without marrying them. This way, when the restoration committee started getting nosy, you could take a season of refocusing and when you came back, your mistresses had all moved on and gotten married. We used to be a proper Church.

My friends, we must take a stand against polygamy. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Eve and Eve and Eve and Eve. We must be clear-eyed and resolute: pastors like Jeffrey Epstein have likely disqualified themselves from ministry.

Here’s why:

• Women are more sinful than men. When you only have one wife, you can resist her bad ideas. You can say “no, Kristen, I do not want to do crimes tonight,” and she can’t make you, because you have boy strength. But when you have 5-8 wives, they will gang up on you and say “let’s go shoot guns at the water tower and then maybe steal some livestock,” and you end up doing it, because of peer pressure.

• The sex. Think about it: on average, the typical evangelical woman wants to have sex 2-3 times per day. Now, imagine you are a pastor who has 6 different wives! Your elders or deacons will be calling you to come to the hospital because some old person is about to die, but you’re like “Carl, I can’t feel my legs.”

• You will be a stumbling block. Probably the one thing that Christian women like to do is seduce pastors. In most churches, there is an understanding that the pastor can only have one wife, so all the other women are like “oh well, too bad.” But what if your church condones polygamy? Now, all of the young women will be telling each other “girl, I gotta get some of that fourth-hand peen,” and they will be DMing you on your socials throughout the week. And all your existing wives? They will be pressuring you to add more wives, of course. They will hatch zany schemes to set you up with their friends, like “oh, weird, Katie’s car broke down in front of our house! Maybe you should go out there and talk to her!”

Some people might say that such a strict standard is legalism. Other people might say that it is a return to purity culture. Still others might call it fundamentalism. Unfortunately, I will not be able to respond to these charges, because I am taking a season of refocusing.

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