Jesus Isn't Coming Back Today

Probably the biggest mistake that Christian influencers make is when they predict the day that Jesus will come back. The problem is that He almost never comes back on that day.

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Under normal circumstances, an evangelical thought leader can make an incorrect prediction and still survive with their brand intact. This is like whenever I promise the restoration committee that I will stop hiring 21 year old interns and secretaries to work at the ministry and trying to sleep with them, except then I accidentally have affairs with the women and use ministry funds to pay everyone off, then the restoration committee is like “what happened?” and then I go away for a season of reflection to work on my next book, which is completely ghostwritten, and then I come back and all the other Christian authors who sit on the board of my ministry have given me blurbs for the book that say I am a breath of fresh air, but anyway it’s like I told the restoration committee: I never would have slept with those women if they weren’t hot, so who is really at fault here?

But back to the issue of Jesus coming back, and more importantly, my brand. Part of being a successful thought leader is learning when to think outside the box, which is what the restoration committee said I should have done with those women, but anyway, if no one can seem to guess when Jesus will come back, why not guess when he won’t come back?

But how can I be sure that Jesus won’t return on a certain day?

Let’s go to the Greek. In a certain part of the Bible, we find the story of the 10 virgin ladies, who are supposed to go to a wedding feast, except the groom was late, probably because after the ceremony at the church, he and the bride pulled into an Olive Garden parking lot and went to several bases, because they were worried that the Rapture would happen before they made it to the hotel suite, but this was during Bible times, and back then everyone had a lot of end times anxiety, especially if you were homeschooled. Anyway, then some other things happened, and 5 of the virgin ladies deconstructed and wandered off, so the people at the banquet were like “uh, just invite some girls in off the street, I guess,” except when they brought in all the secular women, they drank all the booze, and Jesus had to go get some water from the Samoan woman at the well so he could turn it into wine. Also, there was some oil.

But the point is this: Jesus said that He would come back like a thief in the night¹. If you are an expert in theology like I am, you can look at the various texts and contexts and see that the key word here is night. This means that Jesus won’t come back during the day, because of hermeneutics.

This is why I am always predicting that Jesus won’t come back on a certain day, and my success rate on these predictions is well over 100%. Let’s say I make a prediction that Jesus won’t come back on Tuesday. If Jesus comes back Tuesday night (like a thief), I can still say that my prediction was correct, because I meant that He wouldn’t come back during the day. This is called brand integrity.

There are also some science issues at play here, because of the different time zones and hemispheres and things of that nature, none of which I understand. If it is Tuesday afternoon in Alabama, isn’t it Thursday morning, and also winter, in Asia? There is no way to know. But here is what I do know: the Bible was written in English, so everything is based off of our time zone, I think. This is also hermeneutics.

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1. The Bible