John MacArthur Isn't Real

My friends, the Church has a John MacArthur problem. More and more these days, when I simply want to get on my phone and scour the internet for positive comments on my writing, I am forced to see that John MacArthur has upset some people.

This should not surprise anyone. When some Christian leaders get very old, they lose their minds. Let’s go to the Greek: when King David was at the end of a long reign of destroying everything he touched, he told his servants “uh, I’m really cold,” and then he did the dirty old man wink, like this, and then he did the signal with his hands for a hot lady with big bosoms, which was very problematic, because some hot ladies have small bosoms, but this was before Woke. So his servants were like “one Hillsong, coming right up,” and they found a hot virgin named Abishag to go to bed with the king. But David’s sling was too old and it couldn’t shoot stones anymore, so Abishag was like WHEW, then David got real embarrassed and he told his son to go kill a guy named Shimei. Also he said to kill Joab, but that guy totally deserved it.

---

As best I can tell, from not actually clicking through on any of the stories, this is what happened: John MacArthur, who got famous because he criticized extra-Biblical revelation, said that mental health disorders aren’t real, because… uh… he said so, and that’s the final word on that. Then all the people on Christian Twitter formed their Disagreement Conga Line, then the insufferable MacArthur Truthers were like “see how many people are mad? This must mean that we are correct.”

The true victims, of course, are the thought leaders. Do you know how hard it is to form a hot take when 99% of Christian Twitter is on one side, and the other side is a cabal of bearded malcontents who don’t know the difference between affection and attention? Nonetheless, just like David said to Abishag, “hard” is a relative term. Of course I have a hot take.

My friends, what if the thing that is not real… is John MacArthur?

Think about it:

1) Have you ever met John MacArthur?

No, you haven’t. Do you know how many times I have ever seen John MacArthur in my rural Alabama Walmart? Zero. Now ask yourself: why is that? Doesn’t he need groceries? Doesn’t he need AAA batteries? What is going on here? Are we living in a stimulation?

Or, just maybe, he’s not real.

2) No one has ever seen John MacArthur eat Taco Bell

Think about it: who eats Taco Bell? Real, flesh and blood humans who want to feel good for a few minutes and then hate themselves later.

Can you, with all your might, imagine John MacArthur inside a Taco Bell, huffing and grumbling at the ordering kiosk as he attempts to order one (1) bean burrito and a small Mountain Dew Baja Blast? It doesn’t seem possible, does it?

1. Taco Bell is for real people.

2. If John doesn’t eat Taco Bell, he is not real.

This is called the transgender property of equality, which is part of philosophy, which is something C.S. Lewis invented because the Church of England didn’t want him to marry Debra Winger.

3) He could be AI

Do I understand what AI is? Well, according to some headlines I just read, it’s a thing that you can use to make fake naked pictures of people, or drive your computer truck into the side of a building, or write college essays. The essays thing seems to bother people, all the professors are complaining, but we had this back in my day, it was called Microsoft Encarta, so I’m not sure what the big deal is.

Is John MacArthur AI? Think about it: if he’s not, then why has he never denied it? What is he hiding? Like Abishag said to David, I’m afraid of what I might uncover.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Joab.