King David is innocent, and so am I

Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is when King David and Bathsheba did a bad sex, which happened in the Old Testament, like 200 years ago, anyway I’m not real familiar with this, but I have instructed my team to get to the bottom of it while I write this article telling everyone what to think.

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Whenever there is an issue of sin, you have to figure out how to blame someone who is not you. Here is a simple and effective framework that I use:

1. is there a woman involved? If so, there is a good chance that she’s at fault

2. is the woman hot? Yep, it is her fault

Now that we know what we want it to imply, let’s look at Scripture: one night, David went creeping around on the palace roof, which was a good and normal thing that kings did. When Bathsheba saw him, she was like mmm, target acquired, because she was waiting for him, to set a honey trap, except instead of honey she was going to use bosoms. So she gets naked and starts taking a shower, also I guess the shower was on top of her house? Anyway she’s washing herself super slowly and the music is going BOWW BOWW CHICKA WOWW WOWW. And then David bounced his eyes like my youth pastor taught us, and he was like “that hot naked woman needs to cover up, someone go bring her to me, so that I can tell her this, inside my bedroom.” But then when Bathsheba came into the palace she was like yes, now Mama gets that royal peen, and she made David do a sex, even though he was married to several other ladies.

Also, David was probably confused, because he had read that article that said a lady’s private parts are like church, so it was like he was just visiting another church, no big deal, have a welcome packet with a free mug and some coupons. But then it WAS a big deal, because Nathan came and told David a parable about sheep and at the end was like YOU ARE THE LAMB and David got sad and then Nathan was like “your punishment will be that you are canceled.” Also Joab killed an innocent guy, but this was just a normal day for Joab, he was probably the worst person in the whole Bible who was not a hot woman.

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My friends, there are very clear lessons here from Scripture, which my team has given to me in bullet points, because it’s easier for me to rewrite them in my own words that way:

• When you think about it, the real victim in this story is David’s brand. You can always replace people, but brands take time to build. It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: yes, I may have hurt some people, but God will send me more

• Maybe purity culture has a place! Like it says in Ephesians, there is a time for everything. This is why I have become more selective with the naked women I interact with, because I care about not getting caught or purity or whatever

• Point 3: Matthew, when you rewrite this one, say something about how if anyone gets offended by this article, it’s not your fault. Tell them that you are innocent just like King David, and if someone is offended, it is because they are guilty like Bathsheba, I don’t know, make that work somehow. And then land the article with some kind of gimmick

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