Put Women in Charge of Christian Nationalism

Folks, it looks like Christians are talking about things again. This week it is Christian Nationalism, which is a very important topic because of various reasons that people have. Do I know much about Christian Nationalism? No. Am I an expert in it? Yes, of course I am. As a thought leader, one of the easiest ways to get confused about an issue is to know things about it. I approach each issue empty-minded and unbiased, which allows me to avoid all the misconnections that are out there. I go straight to the truth, and that is what you get in these articles.

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For a time, I thought that Christian Nationalism meant that churches weren’t allowed to use the designated hitter, but I guess now everyone uses the DH? I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball, if I wanted to watch a bunch of men named Mike stand around in tight pants and not score, I would go to seminary.

If you look at the term Christian Nationalism, it literally means to put all the Christians in one place so they can be in charge of everything. We already have this; it is called “Alabama.” I live in Alabama; the entire state is filled with Baptist families who drink Mountain Dew all day long to keep their insides from boiling during the ten month summer. At night, everyone either goes to church, the ball fields,¹ or to Walmart to buy more Mountain Dew. It isn’t terribly exciting, but we have a lot of fire ants.

So, I guess the issue is that people want to do more Christian Nationalism, except with less fire ants. To this, I say I AGREE. However, do not forget that because I am a thought leader, I am more woke than you, if woke is good, I can never remember. In any case, I add the following caviar to my position: I think we need more Christian Nationalism, but only if WOMEN are in charge of it. Does it SHOCK you that I am advocating for women?² Not for me, mind you, I generally avoid women whenever possible, unless they are famous or beautiful, but for all the common Christians, women should be leaders or whatever.

Of course, if women are going to be in charge of Christian Nationalism, they will need someone to explain theology to them. My youth pastor said that boys read the Bible with their brains, while girls read the Bible with their hearts, this is probably why none of the girls in youth group wanted to date me, because there wasn’t any room in their hearts, with all those verses in there.

If we let women do theology on their own, it would look very different:

• there will probably be more brunches and things of that nature

• they will tell men not to wear spaghetti straps

• they will read Song of Solomon until they are horny for sex

This is why we will have to make sure that there are men in place to tell all the women leaders what to believe. And above them, there will have to be evangelical influencers like myself who tell everyone what to think. And above me I guess there is God or something, there’s no way to be sure, my mind is also empty about this topic.

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1. to see Bryson and Caden, they would undefeated if that COACH would get his MIND right

2. I need it to, so I can feel bold