Read this Hilarious Article About When I Hurt a Bunch of Women, LOL

Probably the best part about whenever I hurt a bunch of people is when I get to use it as comedy material.

The worst part, of course, is when I get canceled.

Whenever I face even the smallest bit of consequences for my actions, that means I am canceled, which means—actually—it isn’t really my fault after all, it’s yours, whatever, you ever notice how when Christians sing worship songs they’re like JAY-SUS and their hands are like this, and their heads go like this? Ha ha, we are laughing.

But anyway, back to the good stuff. Whenever I get in trouble for accidentally sending pictures of my private parts to dozens of married women, that’s called pulling a Ravi, which is what Ravi got in trouble for in all those spas, literally, but anyway: When I do those things, I am actually elevating women, because now they are a part of my story! Then later, when I am on my comeback tour, I get to make a lot of jokes about the whole thing. And we’re calling it a season, too. It was a season of oopsies. And I’m not going to go into details, because I want to protect all those women, also because all the details make me look bad.

And about those women.

If you plan on getting in trouble with Christian women, the important thing is to pick Christian women who are hot. That way, when they go public, other Christians will be like “I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth, but you are attractive and that makes me uncomfortable.” And then everyone just sort of moves on to the next thing and eventually people believe you, the thought leader, instead of the women, because if they were so innocent, then why are they hot?

And another thing about those women.

Whenever I hurt a bunch of women by trying to bribe them with concert tickets to Winterjam me, I get a lot of haters. They are always telling me to apologize or whatever, as if I didn’t already say I regretted the whole thing. Guys, this is yet another example of the church putting out a fleece, or shooting its wounded, or standing in the gap, or whatever, one of those cliches, I don’t know which one because I am not a pastor. Checkmate. But here’s the deal: I am in favor of an apology. I want one. If you think about it, the person who has suffered the most is my brand, and I obviously believe this because it’s the thing I talk about the most. If the women are such victims, then why don’t any of them even have a brand? It makes you think.

Anyway, it’s like I’m always telling God: if I’m guilty of anything, it’s that I care too much. Another thing I am always telling God is actually, it was like a sin without any actual sin, but I don’t know if He believes me, His brand is all about truth or whatever.