Sex, Guns, and Satellite Campuses: Answering Reader Questions

Dear ETL: I am a pastor of a mid-size non-denominational church in a college town. We have many outreach opportunities and a congregation willing to engage in ministry. This is our tension: how do we honor a biblical sexual ethic while at the same time ministering to younger people who do not necessarily share this ethic? —B

Dear B: It sounds like you need to get uglier Christians in your church. Let me explain: when I entered youth group, I wisely decided to become extremely awkward and unattractive, so that none of the babes would try to do a sex on me. It worked! I made it through with my virginity intact. Of course now, as a Thought Leader, I get propositioned¹ all the time from Christian women of all ages who are blinded by the sheer power of my brand, and I almost always decline, but anyway, if you didn’t have so many hot people in your church, they wouldn’t be wanting to hump each other so much.

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Dear ETL: We are hearing a lot about the concept of “this church is just like a family.” We need your take, brother. —K

Dear K: I agree that this church is like a family, because it’s mostly white people who look exactly like me. Also, I think I am better than all of the other members.

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Dear ETL: Satellite campuses: biblical or nah? —S

Dear S: First, a quick point. The mistake most regular Christians make is going straight to the Bible to deal with an issue like this. The first thing you should do is ask “how does this make me feel?” and then you will know which Bible verses to look for. Going to the Scripture without that frame of reference can be very dangerous for your brand, because who knows what’s in there.

Now, to your question. I totally support satellite campuses. I think we need to shoot as many associate pastors into space as possible, so that when the aliens come, we can get to them before the exvangelicals do. I’ve seen a lot of movies, and it seems pretty clear that the aliens are doing a lot of wicked things up there, I don’t think that more than 20% of them are Christian.

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Dear ETL: Any advice for a Christian woman on the dating scene? I was always told “look at how he treats his mother,” but I feel like you can do better! Thanks! —J

Dear J: Of course! The saying you referenced is a trite, anachronistic platitude. While it may be true in some cases, we can certainly do better.

For my money, a more effective measure is “look at how he treats his current wife.” If the man you are interested in neglects his wife and does not show her attention and affection, what makes you think that he will treat you any differently? Conversely, if he honors his current wife and serves her faithfully, I would see that as a green light for you to proceed.

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Dear ETL: I am so, so disheartened by the idolatry of the GOP and their relationship to guns! PLEASE speak on this! —B

Dear B: Gladly. I view my evangelical brand as that of an ambassador of peace, so of course I do not carry firearms. However, the members of my team are always armed. My interns also have one pistol, which they all share. When you see me on a panel at a prestigious conference, or on stage giving a lecture at a seminary, rest assured that I am being covered from all angles by my loyal acolytes.

But to your question. I do not remember if GOP stands for Republicans or Democrats, but let me say this: I do not believe that any Christian should be bringing guns to church. I think the church should provide guns, as a reward, perhaps for things like serving in ministries or giving large tithes. And probably the person who needs a gun the most is the pastor, so that if the church has one of those old-timey river baptisms and a large alligator tries to eat the person being baptized, the pastor can just start blasting away, and maybe he says something cool like “You’re luggage!” before he shoots. Anyway this is why you have to be careful letting women and young people be pastors, because it’s hard to baptize with one hand and shoot with the other.

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