Sex in Heaven? Answering Reader Questions

Dear ETL: Will Christian couples be able to have sex in heaven? Thanks in advance. —Jimmy S.

Dear Jimmy: the joys of heaven are so far above our understanding that I’m afraid your question is a bit redundant. When we are at last in the eternal presence of our holy Father, there will be no need to sneak off with your spouse and search for a secluded spot to make love! You will be able to do it out in the open, in front of everyone. And everyone will be allowed to watch, because it won’t count as a sin, unless they do something lewd, like make animal noises or take a picture with their phone. This is heaven; you must be classy. Anyway, people will be clapping and cheering you on, and then some random saint will walk by and be frowning and chortling, and he’s like “this is MOST improper,” and then you’re like “hey Martin Luther, let me know when you nail something that’s not a church door,” and then your wife is like “EYES ON THE PRIZE” and you’re like “sorry, babe,” but you make a mental note to catch that guy on the rec courts later and jack him up in pickleball.

---

Dear ETL: if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gets sick, and I pray for healing, and God heals the Turtle, will he be healed from the mutation and restored back to a normal turtle? This is very important to me. —Karen S.P.

Dear Karen: excellent theology question. This is why I am always giving lectures telling people to never pray for the Ninja Turtles, unless you are praying for their salvation. If God heals them back to regular turtles, they won’t stand a chance against Shredder. And then some lady is like “but this is a tour for homeschooled children, you’re supposed to be talking about bugs,” and I’m like “you dumb hag, I’m trying to save this city from the Foot Clan,” and anyway that’s why I no longer give tours at the First Baptist Creation Museum.

---

Dear ETL: If I get ChatGTP to say the sinner’s prayer, does that mean there will be AI in heaven? —Russell M.

Dear Rusty: like a youth pastor on his wedding night, let’s unpack this very carefully. Where does AI live? That’s right: in the computer. Is AI looking at pictures of butts? Is it listening to secular songs with bad words?

This is why AI discipleship is just as important as AI evangelism. As usual, I am on the cutting edge of this new front in Christianity: my ministry employs one dozen Baptist interns who continually instruct AI engines to ask Jesus into their AI hearts. At the same time, my ministry also houses one dozen Presbyterian interns who continually feed excerpts of theology books and sermons into the AI engines, training them to be theologically sound. In the next year, my ministry hopes to add one dozen Church of Christ interns to teach AI how to sing high harmony on “Blessed Assurance.” There are rumors that I am personally training a squad of one dozen charismatic interns to fight off demonic attacks using shofars and Carman CDs, but I will neither confirm nor deny this.

---

Dear ETL: is it a sin for a married Christian couple to engage in oral sex? —John P.

Dear John: with other people? This is usually a sin. This is why I always encourage Christian couples to only have oral sex with each other, no more than 2-3 times per day. Some Christians get very upset by this, I guess because they don’t like Biblical Sexuality, and they are like “we didn’t come to you for intimacy advice, we came to ask you to sponsor our team for the Uganda mission trip,” and then I’m like “if Uganda is a real place, then why have I never been there?” and they look at me all confused, just like those kids did in the Creation Museum.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. If you can’t be a paid subscriber, it really helps me when you share the articles. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of the First Baptist Creation Museum.