Should All Christian Women Get Breast Implants?

As believers, we should never lose sight of the thing that will draw in the heathen hordes. It is one thing, and one thing alone: appearance. This is why I do not hesitate to use ministry funds to pay for hair plugs, luxury dental work, and any number of cosmetic procedures. We cannot attract the unsaved by putting craggy, decrepit old men on the stage. We are not Presbyterians.

But I am a famous thought leader. What about regular Christians, such as women? In the past, cosmetic surgery for Christian women was largely limited to two groups: 49-year old wealthy white women who were afraid of looking old, and off-the-rails televangelists who coked themselves into the third heaven and paid for their 21-year old mistress to look like a blow up doll.

Times have changed. It is whatever year you are reading this. Now more than ever, cosmetic surgery is ubiquitous, which is a word I used in the last article, and it means the same thing as it did last week, I assume, I didn’t understand it then, either.

Anyway, as Christians, what is the correct take on cosmetic surgery?

Like a homeschooler on the wedding night, the ultimate goal is to hit the sweet spot. And like a homeschooler on the wedding night, it’s okay to say “please show me where the sweet spot is,” so I will: it is when the title of your think piece has the word “breast” in it, because this means everyone will click it. Then, you have to take the prevailing notion (we should focus on inner beauty), reverse it, and put a question mark on the end, so if you get canceled, you can pretend like the whole thing was an existing idea that you were just exploring. This is called apologetics.

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It would help with outreach

If all Christian women got breast implants, it would undoubtedly help reach one key demographic among the nonbelievers:

Women.

Just imagine, as a Christian woman, trying to share the Gospel with your unsaved female friends. If they are not receptive, you can simply say “sorry that you are going to hell, anyway I’ll be at church with my giant knockers.” And then your friends will be like “wait, she DOES have an awesome rack,” and that’s called planting a seed, which is a part of theology.

It would help with lust

Probably the one thing that makes Christian men struggle with lust is that they don’t look at enough boobs. Think about it: a Christian man goes to work and church, where women cover themselves carefully. He does manly things, such as cutting the grass or sitting perfectly still on the couch while feeling existential dread. Most of the Pure Flix movies he watches do not have nude scenes in them. Should we be surprised, then, when that same man is shopping and walks past the lady mannequin that someone forgot to put clothes on, and it’s one of the realistic ones and you can see her mannequin nips, and he does that thing like the cartoon wolf where he goes OOGA OOGA and his eyes fly out of his head and then his heart jumps out of his chest, and his wife is slapping him and telling him to keep walking, but he is pointing and doing that thing where he flips his lips up and down and says HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA? He has forgotten what bosoms look like.

Now, imagine a church where each of his sisters in Christ has enormous jugs. Every way he turns, he sees bosoms, each pair bigger than the last. There is no way to hide them, no level of purity culture that can survive in this brave new Church. Soon, the Christian man will become so used to seeing cleavage that it does not affect him at all. And then, on the rare occasion that he sees a nude scene in a Pure Flix movie, he will simply say to his wife “oh look, those remind me of the Director of Children’s Ministry, except Sarah’s are nicer.”

We can finally get rid of side hugs

At last, the debate over how to hug a Christian woman can end! For years, well-meaning Christian men and women have agonized over angles and arm placement. Do I avoid her bosoms and hug her from the side? I don’t want to make her feel like her body is sinful! But if I hug her straight on, I will feel her lady parts squish into me!

No more. Everyone knows that when women get implants, their breasts no longer squish: they make a honking sound, like a goose. (You can choose to get different sounds, but it costs extra.) When all Christian women get boob jobs, men and women can go for the front hug, and it will simply sound like a goose is trapped between them. And then everyone can laugh, because it’s not like we are Presbyterians.

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