Should Christian women be allowed to breastfeed in my living room?

Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is the upcoming election, or the emerging global wars, or the rising cost of living. I am kidding, of course: the most important thing is always women’s bodies, and who is or is not looking at them, and who is saying what about who is or is not looking at them.

Many people think that being an evangelical thought leader is a glamorous existence of signing book contracts and flying to various conferences to bask in the acolytes from your fans who secretly resent you. Mostly, yes, it is these things. But there is also work: you must always be at the fourfront of culture, and by you I mean making sure that your team is paying attention to what is happening, and then giving you a quick briefing, and then drafting on-brand tweets for you to respond with. To that end, my team informs me that in the past week or so, Christians on social media

¹

have been screaming about the following issues:

• bare shoulders

• women in gyms

• swimsuits

If we look at our modesty almanac, we can see that the remaining issues for this season are breastfeeding and yoga pants, and when we finish the cycle, Dale Partridge starts a new ministry, and we do it all over again next year.

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Probably the most dangerous person in any church is a new mother. Whenever a Christian lady gives birth, she is like well, that was fun; time to do another sex. And then she’s like how can I make all the boys go wild for me? Yes, I will get my big leaking lady blessings out. And then whenever a boy walks by, she is like hey, check out my bosoms

²

, I am allowed to have these out because I had a baby. Also, sometimes she feeds the baby or whatever.

Christians are very upset about all of this. It is considered either very woke or very not woke for women to nurse in the sanctuary, but I forget which one. Used to, they were not allowed to, then I think it was good? Or maybe it’s bad again. Personally, I don’t think that babies should be allowed to eat in there as long as the ushers are being such bitches about me bringing in ham sandwiches, but I guess God just isn’t done working on their hearts yet.

But back to the part about women being sinful: this is why I always avoid women, because of purity, because you never know when one of them might have a small baby that they are hiding in their purse or wherever. And if I see a woman holding a baby, I simply say something kind and appropriate, such as “do not show me your private parts; I am married.”

But sometimes, women cannot be avoided. Sometimes there are circumstances totally beyond your control, such as when you must outmaneuver the restoration committee by starting a new church in your home. Then you will have dozens of new mothers in your living room with their bosoms out, trying to seduce you. In situations like this, I recommend a simple mental exercise for purity, which is to imagine that all the women around you are in their underwear, I do this one all the time. I guess the only other option would be to tell the women to stop being so sinful, but that’s a difficult thing to say when I’m the one standing there in yoga pants.

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1. I will not be linking to any of the examples, because I don’t know who the tech lords are mad at this week, and I don’t want this post to be sent to purgatory

2. also she does a pointing motion that looks kind of like this, with her hand doing this, and she winks, like this