Should Christian Women Be Allowed to Have Butts?

Probably the most dangerous thing for Christian men is to see things, because this makes us sin.

My youth pastor says men are visual. This means that whenever a man sees a woman, he thinks “that lady has bosoms, I wish I could do a sex right now.” Also, when a man sees something that is not a woman, like a toaster or a blade of grass, he thinks “hey, remember when I saw that lady with bosoms? I wish I could do a sex right now.”

---

Back in the old days, when Jesus was going around with his 12 epistles, the Bible hadn’t been translated to English yet, so everyone had to read other books, like Wild at Heart, which is a book for men that a bunch of wives read. In the book, it says that if you send your husband on a moderately dangerous rafting trip, he won’t accidentally bang his female coworkers, because fresh air. So Jesus kept his guys outside. But even this didn’t help, because men are visual and when they see mountains, they are like “mmm, those look like big boobs.” This is why Jesus told them to eat some mustard and throw the mountains into the sea. But then Peter started thinking about wet mountains and he jumped off the boat to dive underwater to look at them, so Jesus made him stand on top of the water until he settled down.

Fast forward one hundred years: It is 2022, and the church has learned nothing. Folks, we have Christian women walking around with butts.

How did we get here? In my day, Christian women did not have butts. At least as far as anyone knew. In the 90s, all the homeschool moms in our co op wore thick denim skirts and grew their hair so long that it covered their entire back. Then, in youth group, all the girls wore oversized shirts from Old Navy that hung down to their hips. Even if you were lucky enough to go to a church that had pool parties, all the women wore baggy shorts over their tankinis. And Elisabeth Elliot was there, and she saw that it was good.

At some point, Christian women saw that all their worldly counterparts had butts, and they were like MAMA WANT. It was a lot like when the Israelites wanted their own president because everyone else had one, which is a story that is in the Old Testament somewhere. So all the Christian women have butts now, and we know this because sometimes they wear comfortable pants, which is a sin, when women do it.

But is it even biblical for a woman to have a butt? Let’s go to the Greek.

If you take the word “butt” and run it through a common biblical study tool such as urban dictionary, you can get several different translations:

• Ham. Out of Noah’s three sons, which one was the most wicked? That’s right: Ham. Guys, we can cross off the Rubicon. Depending on what kind of church you go to, Ham either did something bad to Noah, or he did something REALLY bad to Noah. This is why Noah made the Curse of Ham. This translates to “curse of butt.” What is the curse of butt? It’s how if you are a lady at church, your body is sinful, because it reminds me of all the sex scenes I watched on my streaming services this week.

• Ass. You know who had problems with an ass? Balaam. This guy rode an ass so hard that an angel told him to knock it off, then Balaam wrestled the angel until sunrise and the angel finally smashed Balaam’s foot into a rock, then water came out of the rock but Balaam wasn’t allowed to go into the promised land because he was too wild at heart. Then Balaam’s wife put a raft in the water and made him get on it so he would stop riding strange asses.

Friends, let’s get to the heat of the matter: probably the greatest danger in Christian women having butts is that some of them will want to have breasts, too. This is what we call a slippery slope. And if you go to the Greek, “slippery slope” comes from the Greek phrase for “wet mountains.” That’s called theology, which is also in the Old Testament, somewhere.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of toasters.