Should Christian Women Have Breasts?

Probably the worst thing that a Christian woman can do is when she makes a man sin. This is because it is a double sin: when a man wants to do a sin, he must always do it on his own, a woman is not allowed to lead him, this is called complimentarianism.

My youth pastor says that men are like microwaves but women are like crock pots, I guess because I don’t know how to turn them on. But back to the microwave thing: if you push too many buttons on a microwave, your hot dog will explode and make a mess, and this is also what got Onan in trouble, but anyway when a Christian woman decides to have breasts, that is the same as pushing the buttons on men, except there is only one button, and it is the button for lust.

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To be fair, Christian women need breasts for various things, such as feeding babies and doing Pilgrim’s Progress role plays with their husbands. But did you know that many unmarried and childless Christian women also have breasts? What are these women up to? They are constantly covering themselves with shirts, camis, and various spells and force fields. Almost like they don’t want people to see their breasts. Why would they be acting so secretive, unless they were trying to seduce men like me?

My friends, we have crossed the lexicon.

Probably the most dangerous thing for Christian men to see, other than daily fantasy sports ads, is boobs that are almost all the way covered. If you go to the Greek, the word for this is “cleavage,” which comes from a Latin phrase that also means something.

When I am at church and I see a woman’s cleavage, it is impossible for me to be spiritual, because it makes me think of all the porn I watched in the parking lot earlier. But also, if a woman is all the way covered up, this makes me think sex thoughts too, because what is she even hiding under there? It must be pretty hot, so she should know better. This is called the Streisand Effect, which is when someone is talking about Barbara Streisand but it makes you think of a lady you saw who had bosoms.

Let’s play devil’s aggregate: some people might say that men should control themselves, when we constantly stare at women’s chests. But this is victim blaming, which is a form of gaslighting, which is a type of privilege. If it was so easy to stop myself from sinning, then why haven’t you already done it for me? It makes you think.

It’s like I’m always telling the restoration committee: let’s take a look at a very specific passage of Scripture. Jesus told some people that if your eye offends you, it’s because there’s wood in there, so isn’t the real problem all the women who go around looking at men’s crotches? This is a very good example because wood also means erections, so it works on multiple levels. Sometimes when you slow down and really explain why something is good, it makes it even better, which I guess is why my wife likes the Pilgrim’s Progress role play so much; she’s a crock pot.

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