Should Joe Biden be allowed to join the Newsboys?

Probably the worst thing for a thought leader is to be afraid. Some thought leaders shy away from controversial topics because they are afraid of damaging their brand. How sad! I am never afraid to speak out on any topic, whether I understand it or not. Every minute you spend being silent is a minute that could be spent crafting your next round of hot takes. It’s like the great football coach of his team once said, “fear makes cowards of us all.”

If there is one thing that Christians are afraid of, it is breasts. But if there is another thing, it is definitely politics. Whatever the big issues are, Christians are scared to confront them, probably, I really can’t say for sure, I don’t really stay up on current events, because much like Jesus, I am OF the world, not ON it, that’s in the Old Testament; look it up in the Greek.

But I will NOT let my lack of knowledge keep me from telling other people what to believe. That’s called being meek, which is a sin.

Anyway, let’s talk about the President: I don’t think Joe Biden should be allowed to join the Newsboys.

Age

He is too old! President Biden is 3-4 years older than most of the current members of the Newsboys

It’s not his turn

The theology is clear: in chronological order, the next members¹ of the Newsboys must be TobyMac, the bass player from Audio Adrenaline who doesn’t age, then all the part time Newsboys come back for a while, then Mac from Third Day, then all the part time Newsboys leave again, then Bart from MercyMe, and while all this is happening, the brothers from Switchfoot, the brothers from NeedtoBreathe, and the brothers from For King & Country form a supergroup called BROTHER’S KEEPER or maybe FOR NEED & SWITCH, also I think Skillet should release an album called PANdemic, but that’s not really related to anything, it’s just something I feel strongly about.

He is already a member of Relient K

It would not be fair to either band, really

Peter Furler cannot be President

Under normal circumstances, if the presidency were to be vacated, the Vice President would step into the role. However, if the President leaves the Oval Office to join the Newsboys, Peter Furler would become the leader of the free world. Except that would be illegal! Furler was born in Australia, and our Bill of Rights says you can’t be President if you are European. However, if 3/5 of the Newsboys could be convinced to pass amendments to Newsboys Law, Michael Tait could possibly be substituted as President. And Tait is gonna bring a mic to the State of the Union and just wander up and down the aisles, giving high fives to members of both parties, working the crowd, gonna sing a little song and make sure everyone has a good time, let me hear somebody say amen

It didn’t work before

When Joe Biden was previously a member of the Newsboys in 1993, his slap bass, funk-infused sensibilities clashed with the direction of the group. His feud with Jody Davis ultimately led to Biden’s dismissal and led the Newsboys to reach out to Phil Joel, who is also European.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)

1. sorry, the Plumb lady does not get a turn; God made NewsBOYS, not NewsGIRLS