Should unbelievers be allowed to celebrate Christmas?

Probably the worst thing about non-Christians is how they crawl out of their caves and dens at night to prowl around, hissing at the moon, knocking over people’s garbage cans and eating the trash, and then having wild, noisy sex in the fields while they scream the lyrics of secular songs at each other before the first rays sunlight chase them back to their lairs for another long day of brooding and plotting in the darkness to overthrow the global Church.

But if there’s another bad thing about unbelievers, it’s that they are always trying to ruin Christmas.

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In recent years, it has become a cause célèbre to say that there is a war on Christmas. I do not know what cause célèbre means, but my team told me to use this phrase. It is probably similar to a cause du jour, which, if you go to the Greek, means “cause of soup.” In any case, you do not have to know what a phrase means before you use it; this is called casus belli.

Anyway, let us talk about this supposed war on Christmas. Is our faith so fragile that we cannot bear a bit of PC word policing? Is a censored nativity scene a sign of the end times? Is the over-commercialization of our sacred day the most pressing issue of God’s people?

No, I say! The vibrant, resilient body of Christ will persevere through all these trivial distractions. However, what I am concerned about is much MORE sinister, and deserves the full attention of God’s people:

There are too many unsaved people trying to get into our churches on Christmas.

My friends, our churches are under siege from pagans attempting to blend in. Every Christmas Eve, these Trojan whores infiltrate our sanctuaries, shuffling down the aisles in their polos and cocktail dresses, nervously avoiding eye contact and trying to sit strategically, bracketed in the pew by their believing relatives to protect themselves from handshakes and visitor cards.

What are these unbelievers doing? Why is this a problem? Let’s examine the issue:

What if they sit in my usual spot

There is nothing worse than arriving at church and having to look for a different seat. I picked that seat on purpose, to be farthest away from the people in the sanctuary who I don’t like, who are also very judgmental, which is their problem.

They already have Halloween

One thing about nonbelievers is that they are selfish. They already have their own holiday so their ladies can dress up like slutty nurses and whatnot. Christmas is OUR time, so that Christian ladies can dress up like slutty Santa’s helpers.

What if my church runs out of candles

In these unprecedented times, our churches cannot be expected to provide candles for every fornicator and embezzler who wanders into the Christmas Eve service. What if we run out of candles? What are we supposed to do, share? We have seen this before: when believers do not have enough candles, it always ends with us setting each other on fire. Ask John Calvin.

We already have a service for nonbelievers and it is called Easter

Ask yourself this: if nonbelievers are so eager to get to church, then why don’t they do it on the day (Easter) we have set aside for this sort of thing? It makes you think. If they aren’t coming in simply to fulfill their once a year habit of attendance, then what exactly are they after? What if they are looking for something more? We should be on guard.

My friends, as believers, our time on earth is precious. And before we shuttle off this moral coal, we would do well to follow the example of another Christian who liked to celebrate Christmas, and his name was Jesus, which is another example of casus belli.

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