Should we baptize people in Mountain Dew instead?

Folks, isn’t it time we fixed baptisms?

Some people might wonder why we need to change anything about Christianity. As Paul wrote in Proverbs, “if it ain’t broke, you can’t fix stupid.” But Christianity has always been changing, like how it used to be about Jesus and salvation, but now is about being positive or winning elections or not offending anyone, I forget which one we’re on this year.

Anyway, let’s ask ourselves: can we, as a Church, do better than water? I think we can. If there’s one thing that Christians love, other than books about liturgies of things, it’s Mountain Dew. Let’s talk this through:

It is delicious

Lots of atheists look at baptisms and think “I would like to have my sins forgiven, but that looks so boring.” And I mean, sure, we probably don’t want most of those people in the Church anyway, but we could at least take the cool ones, right? Now imagine a baptistry full of delicious Mountain Dew. All of the atheists will be like “they took the part that was water and made it better.”

It will save water

One thing that scientists love to say is that 140% of our planet is covered in water. This may be true, but much of the earth’s water is trapped in oceans and rivers, and is not usable, because it is dirty. Mountain Dew, on the other hand, is readily available. Have you ever been in a Dollar General? Those guys are stocked full of Dew at all times.

Farthermore, if we move to Dew baptisms, we can save the water for important things, such as watering crops, taking showers, and making more Mountain Dew. This is what the Bible calls being a good Stewart, which if you go to the Greek, comes from the story of Joseph, who got sold into slavery because he traded some stew for his brother’s birthmark, also there was a coat.

It will solve the fish issue

Probably the one thing that keeps people from converting to Christianity is that they don’t want to go into the baptism tank, because of the fish in there. Sometimes those little guys bite. But did you know that many fish are not able to live in Mountain Dew? This will kill two birds, which is better than a bush in your hand, which my youth pastor says you shouldn’t do until the wedding night, anyway.

It has more caffeine than water

In one (1) metric gallon of water, there isn’t very much caffeine, probably only like 4 or 5 caffeines. However, Mountain Dew contains literally some amount more than this. Why is this relevant? Caffeine is an important vitamin. Vitamins are made up of nutrients, and nutrients come from health. Sorry, but I’ll take the healthy option instead of water.

It will smash the patriarchy

I do not know what this means, but I often say things I don’t understand, because I don’t believe in putting God in a box. I think “patriarchy” means men, and if you look at Urban Dictionary, “smash” seems to mean doing a sex. So, if you ever see a lady saying she wants to smash the patriarchy, I guess just pat her on the head and tell her to be patient, because one day God will send her a godly husband.

You can pee in there and no one will know except God

One of the worst things about being baptized in water is when you have to do a little tinkle. Most times, the pastor baptizing you is like “what is that?” and points to all the water around you, and you are like “it’s definitely not pee; sometimes I carry yellow food coloring in my pockets, that’s probably what it is” and then the pastor makes a face, so you panic a little and start screaming at the people in the sanctuary that the pastor was actually the one who peed in the baptistry, and that doesn’t go well, either. Then it turns into a whole thing and the pastor gets out of the water and then you’re just standing there in the pee water, which is gross, so you take off your clothes, and then the deacons want you to get out of the tank but they’re afraid to come close because you’re naked now and sometimes life’s just funny like that, but anyway if it’s Mountain Dew in there, it’s already the color of pee, so no one will know if you tinkle.

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