Summer Swimsuit Guide for Christian Women

Out of all the seasons where Christian women have to practice modesty, probably summer is in the top 4.

But why is modesty only for women?

If we go to the Greek, we see that Eve was deceived by the serpent. And this is why a boy’s private part is shaped like a snake: so that when a Christian lady is like I am feeling the emotion of horny; Mama wants a big wiener real bad, she suddenly remembers how Eve got tricked in the Garden of Eden, and then she reads The Power of a Praying Wife, which is a book for Baptist women written by Stormy Daniels, until she isn’t horny anymore.

This is why Christian men are allowed to wear whatever they want. But whenever a Christian man sees a lady’s body, he’s like that doesn’t remind me of any Bible stories, guess I will do a mindsex now. And this is why women’s bodies are dangerous, because they make us sin.

So, ladies, as you head to the pool or the beach, protect your brothers in Christ by wearing one of these appropriate swimsuits:

This

A blanket

A thick blanket can be a fun way to enjoy the beach while also protecting the mystery of the feminine form. Think you can’t swim in a blanket? Nonsense! Take your blanket into the water as a fun challenge. And don’t worry; if you make it out of the water, the heat of the summer sun will eventually dry your blanket if you simply lay under it on the beach for 3-4 hours.

Have a mom’s day at the pool? Then loosen up and ditch that thick blanket! When there are no men or boys around, a thinner blanket will work just fine. Just keep a more modest blanket handy, in case a man wanders by. Then you and your friends can all throw on an extra blanket. Make a game of it! Last one to double blanket pays for drinks!

Your children

Strap your 12 and 8 year old to your chest to completely obscure the view. Wear your toddler across your bottom like a fanny pack. Think of it like a BabyBjörn, except you are holding 100 pounds of modesty, which was also my nickname in high school, also it was the name of my Tooth & Nail punk band, except we didn’t actually have a contract, or a drummer, we had a Casio keyboard drum loop backing us as we played power chords and screamed about authenticity.

A Barn

You must wear a barn. Drive into the country and ask a kindly farmer to loan you his building for the day. Close the barn doors; if you let any man look into your barn, it won’t be as special when your husband looks in there.

A Llama

A simple llama, when lifted over your shoulders, makes an effective and inconspicuous swimsuit. Be sure to hold its legs firmly over the front of your bare body; when they flail and kick (they will flail and kick), you might accidentally show some skin. Feel confident at the church pool party, even as everyone points and asks why you are naked and wearing a llama, like everyone can see your butt, why didn’t you even wear any bottoms? It’s called purity, Sharon. Be a shining example to the younger women as you carry your llama through the serving line and it becomes agitated by the smell of food and tries to bite a nearby child. Enjoy peace of mind as your llama stress sharts into the lazy river and the pool’s 17 year old assistant manager asks your church group to leave.

A 2006 Chrysler Town & Country Minivan

Flatter your curves in a Christ-honoring way by wearing a mid aughts Chrysler van. Sensible yet sleek; fashionable but not flashy. This is Proverbs 31 redefined. When a godly man sees you on the beach wearing a Town & Country, he will know that you are different. He will see you for the character of your soul. He will see agape. But he won’t see any of these things if you are wearing a more worldly van; he will only see a Honda Odyssey slut.