The Believer's Guide to Boycotts

Probably the most important issue for Christians right now is who we should boycott.

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When you look at the word “boycott,” it comes from the Greek words for “man” and “bed.” You know who talked about where guys go to sleep? That’s right: Jesus. He said “animals have a place to sleep, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” (-Bible) So whoever the Son of Man is, that guy would never do a boycott, but Jesus was free to do boycotts, because had plenty of beds; he was literally a carpenter, he could build a bed in five seconds, this is called theology.

Let’s go back to the Greek: Jesus actually invented boycotts. He went up on a hill so that he could watch Sodom and Gomorrah get turned to salt, and there was a fig tree on top of the hill, so Jesus was like “three figs, please.” Except the fig tree was deconstructing, and it was like “miss me with that.” So Jesus was like “everyone will boycott this fig tree, forever, because it will never bear fruit,” so the fig tree was barren, but it still got a rose on Mother’s Day, because it went to a church that honored All Trees.

Anyway, I have made a list of the important boycotts, and whether or not you should participate in them:

Target

Target has been making a lot of people angry because they made swimsuits for Satan or whatever. I actually have no idea. I do not go into Targets, because they are full of dads who look like this

and unfortunately, because I devote all my time to running my successful brand and engaging the culture, I do not look like that. I look like Jimmy Swaggart shuffling around an Arkansas yard sale in his pajamas. Anyway, if you think that it’s safe to go swimming with Satan just because you bought a cute swimsuit for him, you are an idiot. Satan is 100% going to pee in the pool.

Should Christians boycott Target? YES, because my wife is still in there and I want her to come home

Chick fil-A

A long time ago, Jack Chick was upset because no one wanted to read his tracts. Then he was like what if I made delicious chicken sandwiches, too? So he invented Chick fil-A, and then everyone was like yes, these ARE delicious, maybe the Pope is using Dungeons & Dragons to give people cancer.

Then gay people got upset because Jack wouldn’t let them order off the breakfast menu during dinner, or something, and then Republicans got mad because Jack said Christian rock music could give you AIDS, and this was not true, only some of the bands do that. Anyway, everyone on both sides said they were boycotting Chick fil-A.

Should Christians boycott Chick fil-A? YES, because I want to go there, and the lines are too long

Budweiser

If you ask my youth pastor if it’s a sin to drink beer, he’ll say “how much poison is safe to take? One drop? Two?” But this is bad theology, because the Bible doesn’t say it’s a sin to drink poison, except if it offends the brother with a weak conscience, but let’s be honest, if you get offended by me drinking one drop of poison, I’m going to switch over to beer and drink that instead, so I really don’t know where any of that leaves us, except that my youth pastor’s wife is smoking hot, he calls her his “Proverbs Thirty-One of a Kind.”

Should Christians boycott Budweiser? YES, if you want a smoking hot wife

Hell

Folks, I’m hearing that they’ve made hell woke now. You can count me out.

Should Christians boycott hell? YES. DeGarmo & Key would not lie to us

Tish Harrison Warren

Have you heard about the horrible things that Tish Harrison Warren has done? Me neither; this is very suspicious. What is she hiding?

Should Christians boycott Tish Harrison Warren? YES

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