The Best Christians of 2024

Me

Even as I sit here dictating this piece to my team, my mind careens through time and space, passing over planes that normal Christians cannot cross. I have engaged cultures and brands that would make Russell Moore crap his pants. Neurons in my brain fire and ignite like Lite-Brite pegs, connecting to form patterns of theological concepts that no living saint could comprehend. Heavenly portals open and close around me at all hours; my only true peers are the ones who have passed into the spirit realm. Rich Mullins whispers unfinished song ideas into my dreams, pieces of hammered dulcimer solos that no Christian radio DJ can ever hear, because they are too powerful. Every day, I conceive and discard a dozen ideas for books, each of them a bestseller: Switchfoot in Space. Switchfoot in Space 2. The Liturgy of Memes. Do you have any idea how easy this is for me?

Hawk Tuah Girl

Let’s look at the facts:

• talks about oral sex

• has a podcast

• questioned over financial irregularities

My friends, this is not a secular celebrity; this is an evangelical leader. For the last 40 years, John Piper has been answering the same “Ask Pastor John” question about whether Christian wives can do peenie kisses. John, at long last, you may rest. Your replacement is here.

Joe Biden

One thing that both conservative and progressive Christians love to say is “If you call yourself a Christian…” People say this all the time. And they always think it is some sort of irreversible checkmate.

But anyway, another thing that all Christians love to say is “our salvation is not in a political party.” This is all fine, I suppose, except no one does anything about it.

Until one man did.

Anyone can destroy their own political party, but it takes a man of extraordinary vision to defeat one party, then defeat the other, and then go back and defeat the first one some more.¹

Steven Curtis Chapman

Many people are asking for updates on the War on Christmas, where Steven and I command armies of Awanas in the defense of the holidays from the pagan hordes.

This much I can tell you: over the past decade, SCC has been slowly turning into Malcolm McDowell so that he can infiltrate Hollywood in disguise and perform acts of subterfuge and sabotage against the godless coastal elites. This year, due to his work behind enemy lines, the Awanas won major victories, such as when we got the DJ to play two (2) Relient K Christmas songs during the HoliSkate at the Roller Kings Skate Rink. Also, we fought off an atheist special forces unit that tried to rush the nativity at First Methodist and stab baby Jesus with pronouns.

Safe Minorities

The only thing scarier than an all-white version of Christianity is minorities who make me feel uncomfortable.

Even so, I go to a church where many people have spouses who aren’t white. They wear Apple Watches and pretend to be happy all the time, which lets me know that I won’t have to talk about justice or whatever, because they are safe.

Dolly Parton

The final, most important task of a Proverbs 31 wife is to murder her husband, with horny. Dolly Parton has spent her 70s dressing up in increasingly sexy costumes, attempting to do this.

When she is 113, Dolly will dress up as a Hooters waitress and surprise her husband. The shock to his heart will cause a chain reaction that culminates when his entire body spontaneously combusts in an explosion of blood pressure medication and pure sexual rage. The sky will open, and the host of heaven will welcome his spirit into New Jerusalem. This is biblical womanhood.

Steve

Folks, there seems to be some confusion over cartoons about blue dogs. Many people were upset when I criticized Chilli Heeler in the last article. My friends, I did not come to bury Bluey; I simply wish to say, in gentle, measured words, that Bluey are heathen bitches who desperately need the redeeming power of Steve. For those of you who weren’t around from 1996-2002, let me explain: Steve likes us, listens to us, and wants us to have a great day. He is my friend, he is your friend, and we recognize his spiritual authority.

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1. one can interpret this sentence multiple ways. Whatever the most problematic interpretation is, please assume that is the one I intended