The Christian's Guide to Lingerie
My friends, Christians are thinking about sex again. This is very good for me, a thought leader, because it will mean more of that sweet, sweet engagement to my content. Whenever The Discourse is fixated on something a dead guy said, it is bad for my brand. But when The Discourse is “should Christians buy lingerie?” it means that all the repressed Baptist pastors will be clicking through to the article, and probably making heavy breathing sounds, like a badger in heat, like AAHHH AGGHHHH AHHHH.
Lingerie is whenever a lady puts on something special to make everyone horny, such as leggings, underwear, or 1991 Sheila Walsh shoulder pads as part of a The 700 Club role play. In recent years, the stigmata from lingerie seems to be fading for believers. We now have Christian websites for couples to buy intimacy products. Lingerie is becoming accepted in the Church, even for older women, above the age of 24.
If you go to the Greek, the word “lingerie” comes from the Greek words for “someone who likes to linger.” This is from the band The Cranberries, and if you like The Cranberries, my youth pastor says you will love Sixpence None the Richer, which is a band where the lady is always saying KISS ME, which is a thing that happens when a woman puts on lingerie. This is called theology.
Is lingerie biblical?
When a Christian woman puts on something sexy for her husband, inside the privacy of their bedroom, is this a sin? Yes, but they do it anyway, because of Eve. This is called Original Sinner, and it is where I remind women that they sinned first, and nothing is my fault.
Who should wear lingerie?
Probably the mistake that most Christian women make is waiting until they are married to buy lingerie and wear it to church. Whenever a married woman wears lingerie to church, everyone is like “it is okay; she is a sex haver,” and all her married friends give her a high five. But it makes all the single men sad, because they are not allowed to do sexes yet. However, if all the single women started wearing lingerie to church, all of the single men would be like “I am feeling very marital right now.”
This is why I am always saying that the key to purity in the Church is to sex things up.
Can Christian men wear sexy outfits, too?
They can, especially if it’s part of a couple’s role play. There are many Bible stories with strong female characters, such as when Jael killed Sisera with a tent peg. Pegging is not my idea of a good time, but some Christian couples seem to enjoy it.
Which kinds of lingerie do Christian men find appealing?
At last, we are to the part of the think piece that my sisters in Christ have waited patiently for: when a man tells them what to wear.
Ladies, here is what to look for when you shop for lingerie:
Pockets, for snacks
If you have a choice between Regular Sexy and Sexy, with Snacks… oh man. You’d be a fool to pick Regular Sexy.
Weapons belt
Probably the most vulnerable you will ever be to zombies, monsters, and killers is when you are being intimate. We have all seen those horror movies. You have two options: Jason Voorhees busts through the door and you are both naked and helpless, or Jason busts through the door and your husband grabs the nunchucks out of your utility belt and leaps up to defend you. And no, none of that is a euphemism. Be serious.
Name tag
A common problem with Christian newlyweds is that they often forget each other’s names. Help your husband by adding a name tag to that sexy cheerleader or naughty schoolgirl costume. Or just stitch it right onto the Sheila Walsh blazer, either way.
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While I was writing this post, I got word that someone my wife and I know tangentially chose to take their own life.
While this is a space for laughter, I also know that people come to these articles in all different states of life. If you are struggling with similar thoughts, please hear me: you are not alone. I want you to make it.
There is help. Talk directly to the professionals at
-M
First of all, you're a real one, Matthew.
Second of all, now I gotta google me a Jael+Sisera roleplay. That's inspired.
Third of all, lingerie pockets?! Most inspired. You have understood the heart of a woman.
Spiciest hot take yet! Though sadly true, certain flava's of the Church do see anyone over the age of 24 as 'older'. Hence all those pictures of elders having a fine time on porches gazing at sunsets accompanying articles aimed at people in their 40s' and 50's....